5 years

Today marks 5 years since we entered lockdown. And our lives changed forever. In so many ways, it’s hard to believe it actually happened. It’s like a hazy nightmare or dream. One where you’re not sure if it did or didn’t happen.

I’m still angry, sad, bewildered, grateful and a thousand other emotions. I know others are too. A collective sense of grief for what was, what might have been and what we lost.

Have we’ve truly acknowledged the impacts of Covid? Do we actually know? I joked at the time that it was like we were in a social experiment. Given the current state of the world, I’m starting to wonder if it was.

I read a post today that really made me think. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have wanted to be making the decisions. Looking back, I’m not sure what it actually achieved. We seem to be in a worse state now than before.

I guess time will tell. History is usually written by the victors. Wonder how it will be reflected in all the chaos, scaremongering and lies…

My year

This made me laugh a little too hard.

I claimed 2020 was going to be my year. I broke my ankle on 2 January. Badly. Oh and let’s not forget the global pandemic. Amongst other things like my Mum nearly dying of the bloody virus!

I claimed 2021 was going to be my year. Then I ended up in hospital with Covid. Yup Santa was uber generous! I started the year on ‘house arrest’.

I kinda gave up after that for obvious reasons…

But in the spirit of positivity, they weren’t all bad. There were so many good things that happened in those years too. And every year. Like the song says, life is a rollercoaster, you just got to ride it.

Sure I’d love a great year. One with less drama, heartache and angst. It’s true that you can’t always change the things that happen. You can change how you view them… and while I’m not claiming it as my year. I am claiming my ability to view this year as a good one – whatever happens.

Two years on

Today is the second anniversary of the first lockdown. How optimistic and naive were we to think it would just be 3 weeks?! I’m not sure many would have dreamt we’d still be talking about Covid!

It’s been an incredibly individual journey for everyone. It’s certainly been a challenge. Sometimes it’s hard to remember exactly how tough it’s been. I have had very dark moments. I’ve felt scared. I’ve been totally lost.

The last two years have been an opportunity to redefine myself. I’ve definitely learnt a lot about myself.

I’ve also had great moments. I’ve met new people. I’ve started my business. And achieved so much.

Enjoy the ride

I’ve lost a bit of my riding mojo lately. It’s kinda understandable given the past few years and the number of plates I’m spinning. 2019 was the best year Buddy and I had together. We ticked so many things off my horsey bucket list and achieved so much together.

Sure I set my goals for 2022. But I felt downhearted and like we were going backwards. Things I’d normally look forward to or find easy suddenly seemed daunting.

Today I tackled it head on. First a dressage lesson with a new instructor at a new venue. Two things that could have concerned me in the past. But I felt confident, learnt a lot and really enjoyed my lesson. She was really insightful and explained so much of what’s going on with us. And gave me homework. We both got a good workout!

Then a coaching call with an equestrian coach to talk through my rider mindset. Another really insightful lady. She gave me some brilliant strategies and really helped sort my spaghetti brain. Oh and more homework.

We can struggle with any aspect of our lives. I’m grateful to have some amazing people in my tribe who I can reach out to. 😘

Walking blindly

Today has been a very weird day. Nothing’s happened. It’s just felt weird. Like I’ve drifted onto the rumble strip. Went for a walk to clear my head.

It was cold, so I put my hood up. Then realised I can’t actually see where I was going. I was literally walking blind.

It’s quite a good metaphor for how the world feels to me right now. The past 2 years have been a bit challenging for me and everyone in their own way. Yesterday’s announcement seems to have stirred things up again.

I feel like I’m walking blindly through life. I’ve followed the rules, I’ve done my best but quite frankly I am sick of it all now. The thought of more restrictions and talk of yet another lockdown have made me wobble a bit. The non-Covid toll is just too great.

I’ve spent the past decade or so learning how to understand my mindset and how essential it is for success. I know I’m having an emotional reaction and that all I can control is my reaction. So I’m learning to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. It’s hard.

I want to enjoy my life, doing the things I love, with the people I love. It’s hard to think things could be put on hold. Again.

I will be OK. I am OK. I’ve been through so much already, I know the drill. But right now, I want to stop the world and get off for a bit. I want all the silliness to stop. I want to live my life to the fullest. Not this half-hearted effort.

But my mindset is strong , I am still positive and I will make the best of whatever is thrown at me next. We’ve got this…

Reflection time

So it’s been two years since I found out I was being made redundant for the third time and 9 years since I found out I was being made redundant for the second time. Talk about significant career date. You couldn’t make it up!

Understandably, I’ve been in reflective mood. I don’t feel like I’ve achieved much in the past 12 months again. Covidland is weird. That’s all I’m saying.

I didn’t think there would be more lockdowns.

I didn’t think both of my parents would be in and out of hospital (again).

I didn’t think I’d spend time in hospital with Covid myself.

I didn’t think being my own boss would be such an emotional rollercoaster.

I’ve lost friend I thought would be there forever. I’ve made ones I can’t imagine my life without. I’ve been scraped off the floor by some. I’ve been humbled by how far some will go for me.

I’ve learn so much about myself. It’s shown me that I am resilient, resourceful, determined, tenacious and so much more.

I’ve learnt to ask for help. I’ve learnt to help others the best way I can.

It’s been scary. It’s been emotional. It’s been so hard having to face so many things on my own. I’m grateful for the incredible people I have in my corner.

I know things will get better. I just have to keep moving forward and trusting the process. I will keep fighting, growing, believing, hoping and loving.

Covid Land

This picture sums up the past 18 months in Covid Land for me. It’s given me time to rekindle my love of walking. And my appreciation for the beauty around me.

So much has changed in my life in that time. I’m going through a huge transformation. I’m growing as a person. I’m learning more about myself every day.

It can be exhausting some days. Other days I have boundless energy.

It’s made me stop, reflect and really understand what I want my life to look like. For that I’m grateful.

What’s your Covid photo?

Variety

Day 268: variety. I was watching some training today that talked about the 6 human needs. Variety was one. It got me thinking. I definitely need variety in my life. I get bored when things are the same. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a comfort in routine. Covid and lockdown have shown me how I need a bit of both.

So I have created a routine that works for me. I get up. I ground myself with a coffee (not literally) and contemplate the day. Then I crack on.

I need variety in my work, my life and most importantly with Buddy. I’m very grateful I’m getting that.

Double jabbed

It took me nearly an hour to get there, but I am now double jabbed. In fact it took less time to jab me than it took for me to leave the village. 🤦🏻‍♀️

The traffic was so busy today. And not just in the roadworks. It should have taken 20 mins or so. Today it was triple that. Still got there eventually. Now have a sore arm, but feeling OK so far. 👏🏻