Big day today!! My first check up at the hospital since my surgery. I was a little anxious about it, but I needn’t have worried. The wound is healing very well and the surgeon is happy with my progress. As they had to replace the cast for the final 3 weeks, I decided to change colour to my favourite this time. It’s rather pretty, don’t you agree?

One thing that has bothered me since my accident was whether I could have done anything differently. Or better. I’m not a perfectionist, but I’m always striving to be better. In whatever I do – my work career, my personal life and especially with horses.

I’ve been riding a long time, well over 30 years. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve come off. And every time I ask ‘what did I do wrong?’ I don’t blame my horse. I always look to me first so that I can be a better rider for my horse. I’ve run it through my head a number of times now and I’m having to accept that there was nothing I could have done. It happened so fast and was just one of those annoying falls. It’s hard though.

I’m not scared of getting back on. I did straightaway (even with a broken ankle). I just don’t like feeling like I messed up.

Saw this quote and it made me laugh. I’m embracing the glorious mess that I am. Metal pins, plaster cast and all!!

What a brilliant idea! Afternoon Tea delivered to you by Laura’s Afternoon Tea

Apparently today is Blue Monday. It is indeed judging from the sky today. What a glorious day. I’m back the conservatory topping up my Vitamin D. I’m still on a high from leaving the house yesterday and seeing Buddy. It may have wiped me out and I ache today from using my crutches, totally worth it though. Hope you all have a wonderful day. And if you are feeling blue today, remember it will pass.

I haven’t been able to get to see Buddy since my accident on 2 Jan. It’s the longest I’ve gone without seeing him since I got him 3 years ago. Today I got to go to the yard and see him. It made my heart soar I can tell you!!

It’s given me such a boost to see him. He stuck his head out as soon as he heard my voice and was licking and chewing. He sniffed me all over, including my cast and then started to groom me. He even tried to eat my crutches. It was so good to see him, give him a cuddle and kiss his nose.

I’m so tired now, but it was worth it to see my Buddy Boy!

This morning, I’m sat in the conservatory with the door open soaking up the sun. I’ve had a shower and got dressed. Actual clothes rather than PJs. This is a BIG step forward. 😊

As a child, I was very much like Mr Bump. I was always bumping into things, bouncing off things and covered in bruises (to be fair that’s still true). As an adult I was diagnosed with mild dyspraxia. That’s what affected my spacial awareness and co-ordination. It just means that sometimes I have to work a bit harder to grasp simple tasks. Or get the right message to the right bit of my body.

But in a weird way, it’s my super power as it means I’m very good at working things out, looking at alternative ways to do something and problem solving. It also means that once I’ve grasped something I can repeat it again and again. This is massively helping me at the moment as I’m having to adapt simple tasks and working out how to get around with one leg. Made me laugh to get this card today.

Maybe Mr Bump was actually a super hero after all.

I took a sleeping tablets last night and got a good nights sleep. It really does make a difference. I’m exhausted, so trying to accept that I can’t do much about it but rest.

I’ve realised I’m trying to do too much and not letting myself heal. It’s really hard when you’re the kind of person who is always on the go, with boundless energy to suddenly feel the tank emptying when doing even the smallest of tasks. I don’t feel totally like me at the moment.

So trying to take a step back and just be today. I’m sat in the conservatory in the sunshine listening to the birds signing. 😊

My nurse Nero is with me too. He’s rarely left my side since my accident.

I’ve also realised that I’m not in the right headspace to make decisions about my future right now. I need to get over my injury. I need to grieve for the loss of a job I loved. Only then will I be able to put the right amount of energy into wherever my path goes next. That doesn’t mean I won’t be thinking about my future or looking for opportunities. I’ll just be trying not to worry or take attention away from healing.

I get the theory, but putting it into practice is a lot harder!! So today I’m focusing on being rather than doing.

Thank you for all your comments and kind words. I started this blog for me, as a way to express my thoughts and feelings and chart my recovery. It’s lovely to know people are reading it, enjoying it and encouraging me on this journey. 😘 I said there would be ups and downs, not sure I was prepared for the rollercoaster of emotions I’ve had so far. I’ve buckled up and am ready for the next batch…

In 5 weeks time I will be unemployed. That fact has just hit me. It’ll be a week after I get my cast off (fingers crossed). I’m feeling low and a bit teary. I know it’s just my body processing stuff. Doesn’t make it any easier though.

I love my job and I love the company I work for. I was devastated when I found out they were closing the building I work in and we were being let go. In fact it was the prequel to this journey. My house of cards collapsed and I was signed off with depression. I’ve actually been signed off since the end September. I’m on anti-depressants to help me for the first time in over a decade.

It wasn’t just the job. That was the final straw. 2019 had been a really tough year for me – personally and professionally. Ironically in all the stress and chaos of my life, it was by far my best year with Buddy. We ticked off lots of things from our horsey bucket list, including placing at ODEs, the Suffolk show and the Royal Norfolk.

Buddy was my stable platform (pun intended). He kept me healthy, happy and sane. The hardest thing about my injury is the fact I can’t go and see him. I can’t take the risk of infection or further injury. He’s always been my escape. My distraction from whatever’s going on. My partner-in-crime. The keeper of my secrets.

I can’t do that now, so I’m having to face my current situation. I can’t ride. I can’t unbreak my ankle. I can’t keep my job. So I’m accepting these facts and putting my energy into making things OK for me.

This is the 3rd time I’ve been made redundant. Both times previously were good things for me. Last time my marriage ended around the same time. And I survived that – and selling a house, buying a house, getting a job to keep the house… Nothing major!!

I know this time I’ll be OK too. It’s just hard when you can’t see what OK looks like.

So I’m sorting out my CV. Sorting out my LinkedIn profile. And looking at jobs. And trusting there’s an answer out there.

While I’m out of action I wanted to make sure that Buddy was ticking over. Thank you Lewis from Neric Equestrian for hacking him out for me yesterday and Tom from T&N Equestrian for schooling him today.