After my meltdown over the weekend, I put myself into a bit of a timeout. And watched Rugby, Disney and Dancing On Ice. All feel good things for me.

Rugby cause of the thighs, I mean respect for the game is played with. Yes they’re battering seven shades out of each other, but they shake hands at the end of the match and have a beer together. And lots of fit men running around in shorts. Did I mention thighs?!

Disney cause it’s sheer escapism for me. If I’m down, I alway put on an animated film. Beauty and the Beast is one of my favourites. I’m fact there’s not a single one I don’t love. My collection is bigger than most children’s. One day I’m sure my Prince Charming will come along.

And Dancing on Ice speaks for itself. I’m all about the journey… And it was movie week so double joy!

I watched a really interesting documentary about Walt Disney. I’d really have like to have met him. He really struggled with his demons too to create such great movies. And even then he was never happy with them, always pushing the boundaries.

I love this quote from him. I’m going to try and remember this when I have my next meltdown (and there will no doubt be one). I’m not failing, I’m growing stronger.

As the song goes ‘life is a rollercoaster’. Last night I hit a low and had a complete meltdown. My ankle was throbbing after a few days of use, I was tired from starting to do stuff and everything just hit me. For the first time in a long time, I cried myself to sleep.

It just all felt so unfair and tiresome. Yesterday was a lovely day. My friend took me to the yard to see Buddy and watch his lesson. It was so good to be back at the yard, catching up with everyone and being in my happy place. But it took it out of me. I nearly got blown over in the wind a few times. Made me realise that I’m still nowhere near 100%. My ankle swelled up from being in the boot and really hurt by the time I got back.

It really got me down. I keep seeing clinics and shows I’d love to do with Buddy, but I’ve got at least another month before I can even think about getting back on board. I’m so happy to watch people riding and see everyone’s post about what their doing. I’m always everyone’s cheerleader. But last night it all came out. I cried, I ranted (bit weird when you’re on your own) and I let it all out.

I’m so frustrated that I can’t do the things I love doing. I want to ride my horse. I want to go out competing. I want to go back to the job I love. I want to spend time with the people I love. I want to tidy my house. I want to clear my garden. I want my independence back. It’s just not as easy as it seems. It’s been 7 weeks since my life was ‘normal’ again. I know there are lots of people who’d love a time out. It’s not like I’m on holiday though. It’s starting to get in my head.

I’m trying so hard to be optimistic, but sometimes it’s OK not to be OK. It’s exhausting.

This morning I slept in and woke up feeling more level again. Until I realised I’d run out of bread and cereal. No problem usually as I’d have jumped in the car and got some. Probably would have taken 10 mins or so. But I can’t do that. Yes I have Sheila, but it takes me at least 10 mins to get her out of the house and off the driveway. So I had a hot cross bun for breakfast instead. Not all bad really.

This post isn’t for sympathy. I said I’d be honest with this blog. And this is me being honest. It’s no picnic right now. My brain wants to do stuff. My body wants to do stuff. My ankle still doesn’t.

It’ll come. I know that. My life seems very challenging right now. I know there are others who are dealing with way worse stuff. But right now, in my world, it’s hard.

My Mum is in hospital, I’m unemployed and I’m physically limited. Those are the facts.

I’m learning that a good cry, a good rant and a good clear out is very cathartic. Good job I’ve got lots of tissues….

We all have our equestrian weaknesses. Mine are anything Ariat, gillets, rugs and saddle pads. Buddy is going to look awesome in these new ones.

At least I’m honest about my problems. 😉

When you haven’t been able to get to the yard for a week to see your horse and he’s pleased to see you. Love him. In fact all of the horses were pleased to see me. I felt like the Pied Piper as they came to say hi and followed me around. Buddy started licking and chewing as soon as he saw me. 😍

FB has just told me that 3 years ago I met Prince Harry. Heads Together published an article I wrote about my brother’s suicide.

Mad to think that something like that could come from sharing my story. Here’s the article if you to take a look.

https://www.headstogether.org.uk/life-after-my-brothers-suicide-how-my-therapist-helped-me-overcome-the-pain-anger-and-resentment-i-experienced-when-he-died/

So I spent my first day on unemployment productively. I went to a networking meeting this morning and ended up spending an hour and a half extra chatting away. Those you who know me, may not be surprised that I can talk for that long! It’s one of my strengths – I can talk to anyone about anything. Thankfully I’m a good listener too. It was really lovely meeting new people and hearing what they do.

Well that’s it. My time with Virgin Money is over. Tomorrow I am unemployed and the hunt for my next opportunity begins. Thank you to everyone who’s made this chapter of my life so amazing. I’ve made many memories, new friends and has so many achievements in my time there. As Richard would say ‘Love to the family!’

Another milestone today. I had a shower standing up. Must admit it felt nice after weeks of sitting down. I’m not complaining, it was what I needed. It just felt odd and a little bit difficult to wash everywhere. Shower gel + seat = risk of sliding off! Another insight for me.

I’ve been busily working my way through my life coaching course. I’m really enjoying it – even if it does make my head hurt sometimes and is a little bit squirmy when things really resonate. Today’s session made me do a bit of self-reflection.

I realised that I’ve been feeling quite sorry for myself. What with my ankle, my Mum and the job. Don’t get me wrong, I think that’s more than enough for me to feel sorry for myself. With the ankle specifically, I’ve been labelling myself as ‘a bit broken’ and as ‘a patient’. These may be just labels, but I can now see they can be quite damaging to ones self-worth. I’m so much more than one body part!

I’m making good progress with my ‘boot’ even if it’s still really uncomfortable. So today I had a tidy up and removed the extra pillow I’d been using to prop myself up and started to put my house back together. It was beginning to look a little bit like a sanatorium with all the equipment, pillows and blankets.

Tomorrow I’m going to call and ask for all the equipment to be collected. I’m so much stronger now, I don’t need it anymore. I’ll keep my crutches for now, just in case.

I’ve started the job hunting process as well. I’ve updated my CV and sent it over to a friend to review. I’ve set up a new email address that looks more professional than the one I’ve had for years. I’ve sent some requests off to some recruitment agencies and I have a meeting with the outplacement consultant next week.

I realised I can’t change my current situation, so I’m changing my view of it. It feels good to be reclaiming me again. Tiny step at a tiny step…

Well my time with Virgin Money is drawing to an end. I paid my last visit to Disco House to clear my desk and hand my IT equipment back. It felt very odd being back in the building after nearly 5 months off.

My poor foot is a bit swollen and throbbing now, but it’s the longest I’ve been on it since it came out of the cast.

Feeling a bit emotional about leaving. That just means it means something. I’ve had the most incredible 6.5 years working there and worked with some incredible people – some of who I know consider family. It’s not the same as it was, so I’m really glad I got to experience the good times.

It’s now time to close the chapter and move on to my next adventure – whatever that looks like!