As the song goes ‘life is a rollercoaster’. Last night I hit a low and had a complete meltdown. My ankle was throbbing after a few days of use, I was tired from starting to do stuff and everything just hit me. For the first time in a long time, I cried myself to sleep.
It just all felt so unfair and tiresome. Yesterday was a lovely day. My friend took me to the yard to see Buddy and watch his lesson. It was so good to be back at the yard, catching up with everyone and being in my happy place. But it took it out of me. I nearly got blown over in the wind a few times. Made me realise that I’m still nowhere near 100%. My ankle swelled up from being in the boot and really hurt by the time I got back.
It really got me down. I keep seeing clinics and shows I’d love to do with Buddy, but I’ve got at least another month before I can even think about getting back on board. I’m so happy to watch people riding and see everyone’s post about what their doing. I’m always everyone’s cheerleader. But last night it all came out. I cried, I ranted (bit weird when you’re on your own) and I let it all out.
I’m so frustrated that I can’t do the things I love doing. I want to ride my horse. I want to go out competing. I want to go back to the job I love. I want to spend time with the people I love. I want to tidy my house. I want to clear my garden. I want my independence back. It’s just not as easy as it seems. It’s been 7 weeks since my life was ‘normal’ again. I know there are lots of people who’d love a time out. It’s not like I’m on holiday though. It’s starting to get in my head.
I’m trying so hard to be optimistic, but sometimes it’s OK not to be OK. It’s exhausting.
This morning I slept in and woke up feeling more level again. Until I realised I’d run out of bread and cereal. No problem usually as I’d have jumped in the car and got some. Probably would have taken 10 mins or so. But I can’t do that. Yes I have Sheila, but it takes me at least 10 mins to get her out of the house and off the driveway. So I had a hot cross bun for breakfast instead. Not all bad really.
This post isn’t for sympathy. I said I’d be honest with this blog. And this is me being honest. It’s no picnic right now. My brain wants to do stuff. My body wants to do stuff. My ankle still doesn’t.
It’ll come. I know that. My life seems very challenging right now. I know there are others who are dealing with way worse stuff. But right now, in my world, it’s hard.
My Mum is in hospital, I’m unemployed and I’m physically limited. Those are the facts.
I’m learning that a good cry, a good rant and a good clear out is very cathartic. Good job I’ve got lots of tissues….
Tales, Tails and Talus 