Cerulean

What a blissful way to start the day. Just me, my Baby Sprocker and Mother Nature at her finest.

It’s been a glorious day. One where I seemed to have been in my own strip poker game judging by the number of layers I removed. I even took off my over-trousers and fleece. Yes it was that warm!! It’s March, right?!

I love days like this. Blue skies, bird song, fresh air in my lung, the sun on my skin, a full heart and an empty mind. It makes me rather sad that people have to be told about the benefits of being out in nature.

And the constant threat of destruction for housing, solar farms and all manner of other stuff. It makes no sense to me. With one hand there a programme to rewild and plant trees, while there’s another to destroy it.

If it was down to me, we would protect the great outdoors at all costs. The Countryside is in my heart. Always will be…

Stand out from the crowd

I woke up feeling rather crumpled and a bit sad. It was ‘Dragon’ weather (where you can see your breath), a sure sign the seasons are changing.

After catching up on some paperwork, I sat and reflected on a few things. I’d had some feedback from someone I’ve been working with that also made me think.

I realised that I was started to get too much in my own head (overthinker, right here?!). So headed to yard and took Buddy out for a long ride. As we were walking along, I spotted this beautiful part of the hedgerow. Talk about standing out from the crowd!!

They say feedback is a gift. But you don’t always have to accept it. I’m not perfect. I know where I can improve. But this bush shows that we can all be ourselves and it really is the sum of the parts. Or am I overthinking again…?!

Head in the clouds

I woke up feeling very tired and a bit overwhelmed today. It’s been an emotional day. A really close friend of mine recently lost her big brother. It was his funeral today. My heart is aching for her as I can empathise.

It’s taken me back to losing my brother. I can’t quite believe it’ll be 20 years this year that he chose to end his life.

Although the circumstances are very different for my friend, the questions are similar, the emotions raw and life has changed forever.

Even after all these years, I have days when I struggle with his death.

I took Buddy out for a ride and looked up at the clouds. I had a quiet word with him. I hope he’s looking down and is proud of his little sister.

Surprise surprise

I did my best ‘Cilla’ impression this evening. I headed over to Forest Edge to surprise and catch up with the campers. It ‘Big Camp’. And the first one I’ve missed since I started going in 2016.

Tuesday morning I woke up feeling really sad that I wasn’t going to be there with Buddy and catch up with everyone.

I’d asked if I could be helper for a day instead. As I was coming tomorrow to help, I thought I’d have a night in the Buddymobile too! I know how to live huh?!

Post

It was an exciting post day today. And a bittersweet one. The wristbands and lorry passes arrived for the BRC ‘Team of 3’ Carleton Riding Club have entered at the Royal International Horse Show, Hickstead.

I’m excited for those who are competing there for the first time. I’m excited for those returning. I’m excited that our Riding Club gets to be there again this year. I’m sad that Buddy and I won’t be a part of it. Achieving that dream was so last year. I can’t remember if I mentioned it?!?!

I am the Team Manager for the four teams we have entered. So I have played a tiny part in it. I’m hoping to be there as well to cheer them all on. Hickstead will always be a special place for me. It’s a wonderful place and RI is a wonderful show.

Reality

Think the reality of Buddy’s injury is starting to sink in. Six months feels like a long time. And it could be longer depending on how his rehab goes.

No camps, no lessons, no clinics, no competitions, no trips, no adventures. Well not for a while yet. These are the things that light me up and make us, well us.

Once again the goals that I set at the beginning of the year seem very far away again.

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m also very grateful that he will be OK. The relief is still very much there.

I know I’m not the only person who’s going through this or has been through it. But it’s the first time I’ve been through this with him. I didn’t have this much time off when I broke my ankle.
Covid did put pay to so many things so 2020 wasn’t a great year for us. It really is true that it’s quicker to heal a bone than a ligament.

I can reframe it till the cows come home. Right now I’m sad, frustrated and disappointed. Again. So taking time to work through those emotions. I’m sure there will be many more ups and downs to come.

Looks like I am going to have to up the cheerleader role again and help others shine. Starting tomorrow by commentating at Poplar Park at the RC ODE.

As you can see Buddy is clearly traumatised by the whole experience. My oversized Labrador is enjoying the snacks.

Eye spy

My black eye is a bit uncomfortable at the moment. It doesn’t hurt as much, it’s just there. It’s started throbbing so I took a break from the laptop and went for a walk.

A few things have happened that have made me feel a bit sad and unsettled. I’ve found that when I get like it, I need to go and ground myself by the water. So off I headed to chat to the ducks for a bit. They’re OK listeners.

Walked past a herd of cows and calves. They were super cute and very curious of me.

Finally I walked back past the yard and watched Buddy sleeping in his field. Brought him in and he stood for ages with his head resting in my lap. I think he knew I needed a hug.

Being outdoors, moving and being with Buddy always improves my mood. So feeling much better for it.

Memento

A few weeks ago one of gentlemen on my meal delivery route mentioned that he’d run out of books to read. So I took him a bag of books that I had in the garage. Tonight he handed me this. He’d found it in one of the books.

This was for the flight when I got married. For a long time afterwards, I couldn’t think about my wedding without being sad. It was the last time I saw my brother before his death.

NLP coaching really helped me to look back at the events in a different way. I’m grateful I found it. And very grateful I get to help others using it too.

Even though I’m no longer married, I smiled tonight when I saw this boarding pass. It brought back happy memories. All part of my life story.