Proud

I woke up this morning feeling like the walls were closing in. It can happen when I feel tired, overwhelmed or I’m processing things. So I sat with it, reflected back on the past few years and talked it through with a good sounding board.

I’m nearly at the end of my second year of running a limited company. I’m so proud of my business. I’ve come a long way in the last financial year. It’s hard work being the boss. It’s uncertain a lot of the time. There are lots of benefits too.

It doesn’t feel very British to say that I’m proud of myself. But I really am! I’ve had many moments where I’ve doubted if I could make the money I needed to pay my mortgage, my bills and for Buddy. The money has arrived when I needed it. And for that I’m very grateful.

Is my business where I want it? Not yet. But it’s a lot better than it was. I know I’m bloody good at what I do. My clients are very happy with what I do too. And I get paid to do things I enjoy doing. I’m very lucky indeed.

Growth

So I’ve been processing today. It’s something I have to do from time to time. I woke up feeling rather sore after my falls yesterday as well as a bit disheartened. So I took some time this morning to work through it.

Buddy is such an important part of my life. Doing well together makes me feel good about myself. So when I have disappointments like yesterday, the self-doubt creeps in. Am I a good enough rider? Will we achieve the goals I’ve set us? Can my dreams come true? I started down a bit of a rabbit hole if I’m honest.

As a rider, I look to myself first. Did he pick up on my nerves and apprehensions? Could I have ridden better? You know the sort of thing. But honestly, I think we both just had a bad day. And we’ll learn from it.

It’s easy to focus on the things that didn’t go well. Or how far the goals seem. But sometimes we forget the 10,000 little steps we take along the way. I sat and looked at the pictures on our Wall of Fame, the rosettes we’ve won and videos of us in action. We’ve succeeded before. We will succeed again!

I’m proud of me for getting back on the horse, literally and metaphorically. It’s important to me. So I’m happy to put in the time and effort needed. Just wish it didn’t come with so many bruises sometimes…

Hail Buddy

I’m coming out of my malaise. Rover, my ‘black dog’, is heading back to the shadows once more. I’m processing more layers of my onion. Things I thought I’d resolved, clearly need more investigation. It’s exhausting so I’ve been really kind to myself today.

Thought I’d take Buddy out for a hack to clear my head. The weather had other ideas as we got trapped in his stable due to a hailstorm. So we headed to the indoor school instead.

Thank you so much for the messages, comments and love you’ve sent me. It helps more than you know to know I’m loved and supported.

Processing

Today I’m better than I was. My brain isn’t working very well. I’m exhausted from the crying.

Nero was such a big part of my life for so many years. It’s going to take time to get used to him not being here.

I knew it was coming. Doesn’t make it easier though.

I did a great healing meditation earlier. Then took Buddy out for a hack. And had a blast up the gallops on Buddy.

That helped. Put a huge smile on my face.