After a busy day in the garden. And lots more crying. It’s a chicken chow mien and Disney kind of evening. All together….. Let it go! 🎶🎶

My lunch date. He hasn’t let me out of his sight all day. 😿

I’ve cried more this year than I have in any other. I’m pretty sure about that. I’m not a cryer. I’m not very good at it. I’d love to be one of those movie cryers with a tear rolling down my cheek. But no, I am a very messy cryer. You know the type – all snot, weird breathing and red puffy face. Maybe that’s why I don’t cry very often. It’s exhausting. Today I’m crying again. The house feels out of kilter with only one cat. Neither Nero or I can settle. We’re both wandering about a bit lost. I look a right sight (again the joy of lockdown is no-one can see me).

I’m crying for what’s happened this year. I’m crying for what could have been. I’m crying cause I feel like I’ve had my fair share so far.

I did do something productive though. My first Zoom Pilates session. As it’s such a glorious day, I took my mat out into the patio. This was the view as I lay on my back. #norfolkskies

When I started this blog, I said there would be highs and lows. I guess I didn’t appreciate just how many there would be. Today saw another low when I had to say goodbye to my little cat Tom. He had a large tumour on his liver and went downhill really quickly. I knew as I drove to the vets that I wouldn’t come home with him. You just get that sixth sense with animals. But it’s heartbreaking none the less.

And all done with social distancing. The vet and nurse on the other side of the room. Me in tears, desperately wanting a hug. It’s the right thing, but felt every harder somehow.

For nearly 12 years Tom has been my shadow, so much so I’d tripped over him too many times to mention. I couldn’t bring a box or bag into the house without him wanting to get in it. I still have his brother Nero, but for a little cat, he’s left a huge hole.

2020 really is the year that keeps giving…

Today I scarified my lawn. That’s a new one on me! I say lawn, it’s more moss than lawn right now. This was after one going over with a rake. Anyone got an electric scarifier?! This could take some time otherwise. Oh wait, I’ve got plenty of that….

Things I’ve learnt during the lockdown no. 37 – my car is actually silver. Who knew?! I’m rapidly running out of things to clean. 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s a little chilly, but it felt like a cider in the garden type of evening. I’ve ordered a fire basket so that I can keep the chill off. Not a clue when it will be delivered though… It’ll be worth the wait though. After a day of potting and planting, this is much needed. But my little garden is starting to look good again.

Is anyone else having weird dreams at the moment?! I woke up last night convinced there was someone in my house. Woke up rather panicky and feeling very vulnerable. There wasn’t of course, but it’s really funny how the brain works sometimes.

I think that’s the hidden toll in all of this, what it is doing for people’s mental state. It’s easy to focus on the economic impacts but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

A few thoughts struck me at 2:54 as I was trying to calm my frazzled little brain…

• what value do we get from publishing the daily Covid-19 death rates? Other than to scare people. On average, 1,400 people die every day in this country from other things. Yes this is serious but it’s a drop in the ocean against the number of people who die daily.
• how many more suicides will we see as a result of this pandemic? People are scared and only being told the worst case. Hope is what we need right now.
• why not publish how many people have recovered from it to give a more positive view?
• what will the impacts be on kids who are seeing scared parents clean constantly and being told to wash their hands? I can see a few more cases of OCD and germ phobias coming on.
• what is the impact on people of being isolated? As human beings, we a naturally sociable. It’s not good for us to be isolated. I’ve felt like a pariah as people cross the street to avoid me. Not great for people’s self-esteem.
• will we lose the ability to appreciate the benefits we get from human contact? A hug is the best mental health treatment you can get! I miss them.
• what about the pressure parents face who are trying to home school their kids as well as work from home? Who’s helping them stay grounded?

I don’t have any answers. But I already see a generation of kids who don’t understand their thoughts and feelings. Who were struggling before this. Is anyone thinking about the next crisis that may follow this one?

One thing we can do is be open about what we are thinking and how we feel….

So how are you doing today? 1 is utter pants, 10 is the world is amazing. I’m sat in the sunshine in my garden so in this moment, I’m a solid 8.

Might have accidentally fallen into a nursery today on my way back from Pets@Home. The boys have gone off the food I got them, so needed to get something else. Needless to say they love the new stuff. Phew.

Very productive afternoon planting and sorting the greenhouse. I now have mange tout and tomatoes out there and my seeding in the conservatory are sprouting all over the shop. One things for certain, I won’t starve. Just wish I had more of an appetite right now….

It’s amazing what you can do to entertain yourself….. I may be lacking human company.