Yesterday I told my next door neighbours that I’d lost Tom over the garden fence. Today they came round with some flowers to make me smile. They’re both on 12 weeks isolation due to medical conditions, so they asked their daughter to get them and bring them over for me. I’m so touched that they would do that for me.

So I had a bit of an epiphany this morning when I woke up. I’ve been so frustrated, angry and sad about this lockdown, it’s leaked into every part of my life. I need to stop fighting this situation and accept that it’s just a bit shit right now. Simple huh?!

I’ve been in limbo for the last 6 months for one reason or another, what’s a few more weeks. Great theory. I’ve taken this a little bit personally I guess. I know it’s not, but I’ve honestly felt like someone has it in for me. The hits just keep coming. I’ve slipped into victim-mode. I’m not a victim. I never have been. These are just the circumstances I’ve found myself in.

I’m struggling with it all. But I can’t change it, so I’m accepting this is how it is. I’ve tried so hard to put one foot in front of the other. But maybe I’m trying to outrun it.

I’ve come so far, sure I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m proud of myself for picking myself up time and time again.

As I opened my curtains this morning, it struck me that my camellia had bloomed fully and I’d been so busy feeling pissed off with life or trying to distract myself from the reality of my life, that I hadn’t taken the time to appreciate how stunning it is.

So take this time to stop and appreciate the things that are all around us.

A good day today after my meltdown yesterday. Cracked on with the painting. Finished the raised beds and even managed the log store (that’s been on the list for 6 years). I think I may have got more paint on me though. Still I don’t care, I had fun.

Happy Easter everyone. It’s an odd time for sure. It’s too hot to be Easter, it’s hard not seeing everyone, so this sums it up for me.

So today was a rollercoaster of a day. I slept really heavily last night, first time since the lockdown that I didn’t wake up during the night. Nero woke me up wailing outside my door. He sounded so distressed I got up to check and the little monkey ran in and jumped on the bed! He never comes in my bedroom.

My phone has broken so I’ve been lent one till I can get it fixed (which could be a while by the looks of it). I managed to knock the loaner off the unit and smashed the screen.

Cue meltdown! Every time I think I’m cried out, more tears come. It struck me that I haven’t had any semblance of a routine for 6 months now. I miss the comfort of getting up and going to work. I miss never feeling lonely cause I was too busy. I miss hugs and seeing people. I miss seeing Buddy every day. I miss how my life was.

Finally got over that and was feeling more balanced, then I got told off in ASDA for itching my nose. Honestly you couldn’t make it up. This woman yelled at me not to touch my face. To which my shouted response was ‘But I’ve got an itchy nose!!’ So much for #bekind, it’s #judgeeveryone. Very sad.

Still I did get to video call with my parents. And I made marmalade. I still can’t believe I actually did that!!

Well it kinda resembles marmalade. Not sure if it’ll set or not, but it tastes good. Will try some in my toast tomorrow and report back. Still an achievement for me considering my culinary limitations. I’m kinda proud I even attempted it.

Not wanting to alarm anyone, but I’m making marmalade. Who knows, maybe this will be something I’m actually good at in the kitchen! Place your bets now….

Nero and I are getting used to just being the two of us. He’s still wandering about calling and I’m still tearing up but we’re moving forward.

Made a new friend on my walk today. She’s not much of a conversationalist, but an OK listener.

This came up on my memories today. It reminds me that I’ve been though tough times before and survived.

I’m not going to lie, this week has been another tough one. I’m struggling with the lockdown, the isolation, the lack of human contact, losing Tom and a hundred other things right now. But I will be OK. I have to believe that. I’m not sure anyone is having a brilliant time right now, so let’s try and be kind to each other. Compassion, love and understand will help make this so much easier.