Judgy

Bert came with me to judge a local show jumping show. He clearly felt he should have the top job rather than sleeping under the desk. He jumped onto my chair and was very interested in the course walk.

It’s always inspiring watching people’s rounds. So much love for their horses and ponies. Whatever happens, it’s clear to see. And to see improvements through the rounds. Makes me want to get Buddy back to competing again.

I have to say that Bert was such a good boy. He has zoomies round the arena before the show. Then he settled under the desk or behind me – eating a body part or sleeping. He was so quiet at times, I almost forgot he was there.

He did manage to chew his lead when I left him to present the rosettes. But he soon got the idea that I was coming back.

It’s been an odd day. First Mother’s Day without Mum. It’s always been a weird day for me. So glad I was able to do something that I love, I’m very good at and occupies my brain.

The tears came when I got home…

More waves

This week I’ve been hit by more waves of emotions. The tears have definitely been flowing. So I did something I rarely do. I took time for me. I rearranged plans, I stepped back from commitments and allowed myself time to cry, process and heal.

I’m along way from done, I know that. There’s a lot to grieve for right now. But I’m proud of myself for making myself a priority. Little Bert has massively helped there. He’s made me slow things down.

I was meant to peopling today. My lovely Chiro understood when I explained I wasn’t in the best place. So instead, I took my No. 1 boy, aka Mr Fluffy Ears, out for a lovely ride with a good friend.

We talked. We laughed (mostly at our horses antics). But most of all we were appreciative of the joy horses bring us and how being in the great outdoors lifts one’s spirits.

I have no doubt there will be many more tears to come. Grief is very messy…

Goodbye Mum

Today I said goodbye to my Mum. It was a beautiful service. Very emotional at times. Thank goodness we all took tissues!

It was lovely that so many people came too. We had a ‘very good spread’ after as well. Such a British thing to compliment a buffet. I’m sure she would have approved.

Thank you to everyone who messaged me this morning to say they were thinking of us today.

Runneth over

Well my cup runneth over this weekend. My Riding Club family have given me such a boost. So did Buddy.

It’s been a fab weekend. I’m still beaming from yesterday’s clinic. Being able to get back out jumping definitely filled me with joy.

Last night, I had a lovely dinner with Nicola Wilson, Simon Grieve and most of the Carleton Committee. It was great to catch up with them. So many laughs over great food. Very much needed.

Today, I was driver and support crew, heading to Wakefield Stud for Nicola’s second clinic of the weekend.

There are times when organising clinics like this seem a very daunting and thankless task. Seeing the smiling faces over this weekend, makes it worth it. Very proud to have played a tiny part in it all.

I know that this week is going to be tough as I head back down South for my Mum’s funeral. This weekend brought tears to my eyes, a smile to my face and more memories for the archives.

Tsunami

I’ve often referred to grief as being like the ocean – it comes in waves.

After taking Buddy out this morning, I felt like things were right in my world again. Then this afternoon I was hit by a tsunami of emotions. Not sure what triggered it. But they took my breath away and made me cry at my desk. So I let the tears flow.

I guess it was going to happen. There are so many emotions to process when you lose someone. Dying is a process. Grief is one too. How you grieve is very personal. No right or wrong way, just what works for you…

Adieu

Well that’s another Olympics over. I love the Olympics. It’s so wonderful seeing different sports taking centre stage. Don’t get me wrong, I love football, rugby and golf, but there are so many other sports to enjoy.

This time I got really hooked on skeet shooting, kayak cross and sport climbing. Who knew they would be edge of the seat stuff!

Of course, my favourites are the equestrian disciplines. Ending the games with 2 Team Golds, a Team Bronze and 2 individual Bronzes shows how strong we are. Long may they continued to be celebrated at the games.

On reflection, I have a strange relationship with the Summer Olympics. In 2008 when the Bejing Games were on, I was signed off work with stress-related insomnia and severe anxiety. There was a lot of crying!

By 2012 and the London Games, I was Team GBs head cheerleader again as I led the internal campaign at Aviva to get everyone behind the games and Team GB. More cheering than crying this time.

On to 2016 and the Rio Games found me on the sofa again, this time with a broken finger. Yup you guessed it, back to lots of crying.

A global pandemic put pay to the 2020 Games! Can’t say I was in the best place in 2021 when the games actually took place. Back to struggling with anxiety and the new joy of depression! But at least I wasn’t injured eh?!?!

In fact, this is the first games in a very long time that I actually enjoyed. I’m in a good place mentally and physically. One thing is for sure, I will always Team GBs cheerleader. I’ve cried when people lost, I’ve cried when they won. I love hearing the back stories.

I will never get to the Olympics as a competitor. But I would love to go one day as a spectator. Might need to take lots of tissues with me though. So adieu Paris and the is for the memories…

Out of sorts

I woke up feeling ‘out of sorts’ as my Nanna would say. Nothing major has happened. Nothing’s really changed. I have lots to be happy about. On the flip side, lots of things need sorted.

Today I just felt fed up with stuff. The last few weeks have been physically, mentally and emotionally draining for many reasons. I’m very proud of what I’ve achieved, how things have gone and grateful for more deposits in the memory bank.

Throw into the mix the scaremongering, unrest, negative sound bite and riots. There’s a lot of uncertainty again. Lots of frustration. It’s hard to stay in your lane. The world feels rather odd right now. Again.

The Olympics are a great distraction. I’ve cheered, I’ve cried, it’s so inspiring. Not without controversy though. I guess it shows that even at the top of your game, you can make mistakes. Things don’t always go right. It’s how you react to it I guess.

Take me today, I headed to the yard, mucked out and took Buddy for a wander round the village. Only to get home to realise I’d done the whole thing with my t-shirt inside out. Didn’t spoil the view…

Cinderella

Buddy has his special shoe put on today. Just call him Cinderella! It’s called a spider plate apparently. My fab farrier made it for him after having a chat with the vet. Honestly, I’m not kidding when I say Buddy has a crack support squad!

To make sure he’s not wonky, he made a slightly different version for his other front hoof. Everything crossed it helps his recovery.

I love the green putty. Green is definitely Buddy’s colour. Well he is an Irish boy after all.

I’m grateful for my crack support squad today too. There have been lots of tears today. Things have been building up for a while. I know I’ve been drifting into the rumble strip of life. So today I let the tears flow. And took my oversized Labrador and his Cinderella shoes out for his constitutional. It helped.

One day we will go to the Ball Buddy Boy. Till then, walking it is. Let’s face it, he’s definitely my Prince Charming.

Sound

Today I had some great news, Buddy is sound. Looks like he tweaked something in the field judging by where he was tight. Auntie Sam came and gave him the once over. He was VERY tight and VERY reactive. He left us in no doubt where the issues were.

I’ve been trying so hard not to worry or panic about it all. It’s really tough. I know it’s horses. They are even more accident prone than I am (and that’s saying something). When I got back from Burnham yesterday, I realised I’ve been flirting from anxious to sad. More tears followed.

Horses are such an important part of my life. Buddy gets the best I can afford. I got without at times. Going away to training camps, competitions and having adventures are really important.

Last night, I played the ‘what if’ game. I didn’t get the best night as my brain was whirling (don’t worry, I also included ‘what if he’s fine’). This morning, I sat and journalled. A lot came out. There isn’t an area of my life that doesn’t need some sort of attention.

So much of it is outside my control. Knowing that Buddy is OK really does make me feel better in myself. The rest, well I’m doing my best. That’s all I can do. At least I can put a few things down today.

Sound

Horses are such an important part of my life. Buddy gets the best I can afford. I got without at times. Going away to training camps, competitions and having adventures are really important.