Ashes to ashes

We scattered my Mum’s ashes today. Her last wish was to be scattered in Golders Green Crematorium. Alongside her Dad, Mum, Brother and Son.

It’s a beautiful place. So peaceful given it’s in London. It was my first visit as I wasn’t there when the others were scattered.

I feel like I had the chance to say my final goodbyes to those already there. As well as to my Mum.

Afterwards, we headed to Sunny Hill to have some lunch and give Bert a runaround. It was aptly named that’s for sure! He loved meeting his Grandad and his cousins.

On the way back, I stopped at Thetford Forest so Bert could have a leg stretch. I must admit I needed one too after a lot of driving. It’s been a long, lovely day…

Teasels

I spotted these teasels while walking Bert today. They reminded me of my Nanna and wonderful Saturday afternoon memories from my childhood. She lived in a flat in Brighton, well Hove actually (in joke there). One of her neighbours taught me how to comb wool with teasels. And spin it into yarn. Who knew I could be rather skilful with a spinning wheel. She also tried to teach me to crochet. I wasn’t very good at that! My Nanna taught me how to knit. I was OK at that. My Mum, on the other hand, was an avid knitter. The constant clacking of needles was a very familiar sound growing up.

It’s funny how objects can stir such memories. Got me thinking about all of the other things I can do. I have so many skills. Not sure I have many talents. But I can do an awful lot of things. I’ve probably forgotten quite a few too.

I can feel a bit of a skills audit coming on. Not sure my abilities with a spinning wheel are in high demand. But you never know…

Right now, I need to put some more energy into my business and find a few more clients.

My year

This made me laugh a little too hard.

I claimed 2020 was going to be my year. I broke my ankle on 2 January. Badly. Oh and let’s not forget the global pandemic. Amongst other things like my Mum nearly dying of the bloody virus!

I claimed 2021 was going to be my year. Then I ended up in hospital with Covid. Yup Santa was uber generous! I started the year on ‘house arrest’.

I kinda gave up after that for obvious reasons…

But in the spirit of positivity, they weren’t all bad. There were so many good things that happened in those years too. And every year. Like the song says, life is a rollercoaster, you just got to ride it.

Sure I’d love a great year. One with less drama, heartache and angst. It’s true that you can’t always change the things that happen. You can change how you view them… and while I’m not claiming it as my year. I am claiming my ability to view this year as a good one – whatever happens.

Party animal

Bert had a busy day today. After meeting the yard dog, he had a quick trip back to see his Mum, Dad and Brother. It was so touching seeing his Mum’s reaction. She was very happy to see him. But put him in his place too when he needed it. He had lots of zoomies with his brother too.

Tonight he had even more zoomies with his new friend Jester at his first Christmas Party. I wish I’d taken some video of them chasing each other round the dining room table. Hours of fun! He will sleep well tonight, that’s for sure.

He’s brought so much joy to my life already. And everyone else’s given the impact me made at the party tonight. It seems he’s quite the Party Animal.

Storm Bert

Say hello to my mid-life crisis! I had to drive through Storm Bert to pick up the newest man in my life, Bert. If I ever needed a sign it was meant to be…!

I’d already picked his name before I found out about the storm. He’s Bert after my Grandfather Albert. A homage to my Mum’s side of the family. And he was my closest connection to horses.

It’s been a long time since I had a dog. But I’ve always wanted another one. The time has never felt right. My life is too chaotic. Too full on. But losing my Mum and others has made me realise just how short life can be. So when the opportunity to have this little cutie came up, I said yes!

We’ve had first contact the kittens. They’re a bit confused by the noises. Dodo was very brave and came to say hello. Hugo, not so much. I’m sure they will all love each other in time.

Fridge magnets

My Mum like to collect things. She had lots of teaspoons at one point. She used to collect hotel soaps and had lots from all over the world. My parents extensively travelled so she had plenty of opportunity to pick them up. There’s still a jar I the cloakroom.

She also was very partial to a fridge magnet. Again, she picked them up all over the world. Their old freezer was covered in the them. When my Dad got replaced it, I bagged up the magnets for safe keeping but they didn’t get put back up.

Today my Dad and I were going through her stuff from the Nursing Home and found this. So I put it on the fridge for her.

It’s very apt too. I have had so many messages from friends checking in on me. It means so much. I’m doing OK. After yesterday’s tears, today I felt calmer. We had a really good meeting with the funeral directors. I’m better when I have a plan or milestones to work towards. I’m navigating this as best I can right now.

Watched

It’s been rather weird being in my parents house today. I’ve spent many days here on my own. After all, we moved here when I was 4 years old. Today it felt different. Understandably.

But I was being watched. Literally. This photo of my Mum sits on top of the display cabinet. It was a professional photo she’d had taken when she was 21 and had just had her VERY long hair cut short. It’s always been favourite photo for me. Today it brought me comfort.

As did the photos around the house. She looked so vibrant and full of life. The past 5 years have been very tough. Many of you have been on the ‘Parental Rollercoaster’ with me over that time. They’ve both had more than their fair share of medical issues. I’ve seen the inside of far too many hospital wards. I used to joke with my Mum that she didn’t get a prize for ticking them all off! Or frequent NHS flyer point. She definitely wracked up a few! They both have.

Hopefully, I’ve seen the last ward for a while as my Dad was discharged and is now back home…

Buffalo

Today has been one of my more challenging ones. Last night, I received the phone call I’d been anticipating and dreading in equal measure. The one telling me that my Mum had passed away.

After a few more phone calls and a very broken night, this morning I drove down to visit my Dad to tell him the news. He is currently in hospital recovering from an infection. And I wanted to tell him face to face.

As I drove down, I was reminded of this fact. So I embraced my inner buffalo and charged towards this particular storm. This is going to be a new era for us all. One without my Mum.

This blog will continue. There will be lots of tears I’m sure. For now, I am shattered, drained and feel like my head might explode with all of the emotions. Early night for me…

81 not out

Today is my Mum’s 81st birthday. So I drove nearly 350 miles and spent nearly 7 hours in the Comedy Car to go and sing her Happy Birthday.

The nursing home where she is had put balloons and birthday banners in her room. And baked a cake specially for her. It’s a really lovely home. They do so much for the residence. 8 of the staff came in with the cake and sang Happy Birthday too.

The cake was delicious by the way. As was dinner with my Dad before I drove back.

My Mum has deteriorated so much since I saw her at the end July. She’s still here. And every day I have two living parents, I am grateful. One day I know I won’t and I will be the top of the tree. I’m not sure I’m grown up enough to have that level of responsibility.

Ageing is such a weird thing. I still think I’m in my twenties. Odd to think that one day, we’ll all be gone. Till then, I’m enjoying the ride… And aiming for 100 not out!!

M25

Well it took me 5.5 hours to get here, but Mum was really pleased to see me.

One of my more challenging journeys after getting stuck three times. Including once for over an hour on the M25. It definitely deserves its nickname ‘the biggest car park’. It wasn’t the most comfortable in the heat. I wasn’t the only one. The people in the car next to me had an umbrella up over the window. Very resourceful.

I decided to take a detour on my way to Badminton to pop and see my parents. Wasn’t expecting it to add that much time to the journey. Good job I’d decided to break the journey up by staying the night here before heading off tomorrow.