Abode

I’m back home after a very long and emotional week. Driving back gave me time to reflect on things. My Mum has been very poorly for over 5 years. It’s been a lot. I guess I’ve had plenty of time to think about her passing. Rehearse it in many ways. Don’t get me wrong, there’s much sadness. There are also a lifetime of memories to look back at too.

I listened to a podcast on the way back that compared life to a roadtrip. The irony of me listening to it on the M25 wasn’t lost believe me. When you drive, you spend more time looking at the road ahead than you do looking in your rear view mirror. I guess that’s why the windscreen is bigger than the rear window.

It was an interesting analogy. And got me thinking about where I’m heading. Not literally of course. My first stop was to see Buddy, well after getting home and seeing the kittens. The kittens were very pleased to see me. Buddy was more interested in his hay. He did give me a couple of smooches. I’ll take that. And an evening of kitten cuddles on the sofa.

I know I will need to head back to my Dad’s again soon. But for now, I’m happy to be home.

Fridge magnets

My Mum like to collect things. She had lots of teaspoons at one point. She used to collect hotel soaps and had lots from all over the world. My parents extensively travelled so she had plenty of opportunity to pick them up. There’s still a jar I the cloakroom.

She also was very partial to a fridge magnet. Again, she picked them up all over the world. Their old freezer was covered in the them. When my Dad got replaced it, I bagged up the magnets for safe keeping but they didn’t get put back up.

Today my Dad and I were going through her stuff from the Nursing Home and found this. So I put it on the fridge for her.

It’s very apt too. I have had so many messages from friends checking in on me. It means so much. I’m doing OK. After yesterday’s tears, today I felt calmer. We had a really good meeting with the funeral directors. I’m better when I have a plan or milestones to work towards. I’m navigating this as best I can right now.

Wakehurst

I needed to get outdoors today, so I headed over to Wakehurst Place this afternoon. Being outdoors and in nature are good healers for me. With all the emotions and stress of the past few days, I’d usually go for a long ride on Buddy. That’s not an option at the moment. So this was the next best thing.

Wakehurst Place is part of Kew Gardens and the National Trust. My Mum was a lifetime National Trust member, so I borrowed her card. We used to go there together. But I haven’t been for many years.

I walked round the gardens. Then found a bench to sit and reflect. The bench was dedicated with a line from a Wordsworth poem ‘To stay the wanderer’s steps and soothe his thoughts.’ Seemed rather fitting.

I had a chat with a magpie as you do. Before walking up to the highest point. As I sat looking out across the treetops, I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. Luckily there was no-one around.

On my way out, I noticed a plant I recognised. It was a Veronica. My Mum’s favourite. Can’t imagine why?! Guess I’ll be getting one for the garden.

Buffalo

Today has been one of my more challenging ones. Last night, I received the phone call I’d been anticipating and dreading in equal measure. The one telling me that my Mum had passed away.

After a few more phone calls and a very broken night, this morning I drove down to visit my Dad to tell him the news. He is currently in hospital recovering from an infection. And I wanted to tell him face to face.

As I drove down, I was reminded of this fact. So I embraced my inner buffalo and charged towards this particular storm. This is going to be a new era for us all. One without my Mum.

This blog will continue. There will be lots of tears I’m sure. For now, I am shattered, drained and feel like my head might explode with all of the emotions. Early night for me…

Head in the clouds

I woke up feeling very tired and a bit overwhelmed today. It’s been an emotional day. A really close friend of mine recently lost her big brother. It was his funeral today. My heart is aching for her as I can empathise.

It’s taken me back to losing my brother. I can’t quite believe it’ll be 20 years this year that he chose to end his life.

Although the circumstances are very different for my friend, the questions are similar, the emotions raw and life has changed forever.

Even after all these years, I have days when I struggle with his death.

I took Buddy out for a ride and looked up at the clouds. I had a quiet word with him. I hope he’s looking down and is proud of his little sister.

Grey hairs

Buddy needs to start using Grecian 2000! I spotted two grey hairs in his mane today. Or is this payback from the grey hairs he’s given me over the years?

It was a bit of a hairy one today as the wind was whipping around today. So we did a spot of indoor hacking instead.

I was feeling a little bit unsettled this morning. It wasn’t just the rain and the wind. While I was getting things ready for camp, it struck me that the last time I was away at a training camp was when I found out that Martine and my friend’s Dad had died. No wonder I was feeling a bit unsettled?! Big reframe needed there. Martine loved her camps too. So I’m going to ‘be more Martine’ next week.

Honestly the brain is a funny old thing. The weird and wonderful connections it makes. Good job I have the tools to handle it. Well most of the time.

Wings

8 years ago I said my final goodbye to Murphy. I gave him his wings so he could soar to thank him for the times he helped me fly.

Today when I walked into Buddy’s stable I found this white feather. Not a clue where it could have come from. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, it was the hardest (and easiest) decision I’ve made.

I thank him every day for the lessons he taught me and for the bruises along the way. My life was richer for him, he saved me from myself and he will always be etched in my heart.

He paved the way for Buddy. I’m sure he’s watching over us. And hope he’s proud of the partnership we’ve created.

Buddy was put through his paces today by the lovely Natalie. She rode him beautifully and was SO complimentary about him. I tend to be very critical of my riding and the lack of progression. Then I have moments like today when someone gets on him and raves about him. Reminds me of how far we’ve come.

So tonight I raised a glass to all of my horses. They all hold a special place in my heart. And helped shape the equestrian I am.

Absent friends

It was our yard Xmas dinner tonight. We headed to the village pub for a lovely meal. There was a special person missing. It’s the first Xmas meal without Martine. So we raised a glass to her and toasted her honour.

I really liked the festive centrepieces. We lit the candle and I said a prayer – peace on earth and joy to all. May your table be full, your heart be fuller and your belly even fuller still.

Groggy

I woke up full of snot, tight chest and generally feeling groggy.

It’s been a hugely emotional week. It’s all affected me more than I imagined. On the back of a very stressful and busy period with work. I’m physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

So I admitted defeat and did a version of self-care. Hot shower, chicken & mushroom Pot Noodle and a Disney Pixar film. Followed by Strictly. Before I head to bed.

A massive thank you to everyone who’s checked in on me. I hate feeling like this. I know it’ll pass. Grief is so individual.

Sadness

I feel wrung out today. The past few months finally caught up with me. I cried for two hours last night. So much sadness came up. I know I’m processing the things that have gone on.

One of my FB memories was of me hacking with Martine. It tipped me over the edge.

It’s been a lot lately. In recent weeks, I’ve lost my next-door neighbour, my friend, two ex-work colleagues, my close friend has lost her Dad. I’m seeing more and more friends with cancer. My Mum is still in hospital. And my Dad is struggling.

There’s so much sadness weirdness in the world. It’s hard not to be affected. So many people I speak to are struggling with something or other. It’s all very odd right now.

I know that it’ll pass. I’m shattered from a full on period of work. Even by my standards, lat week was bonkers. I’m also emotional as it’s Martine’s funeral this week.

So I’m cutting myself a lot of slack. I know what’s going on. So I went and spent time with my handsome boy. And for a few hours I put everything down.