Welcome to blog! I started it in 2020 to chart my recovery from breaking my ankle (hence the name). I guess no-one saw a global pandemic coming. It's turned into a place where I can talk about the things happening in my life, my horse and my cats. Enjoy!
We scattered my Mum’s ashes today. Her last wish was to be scattered in Golders Green Crematorium. Alongside her Dad, Mum, Brother and Son.
It’s a beautiful place. So peaceful given it’s in London. It was my first visit as I wasn’t there when the others were scattered.
I feel like I had the chance to say my final goodbyes to those already there. As well as to my Mum.
Afterwards, we headed to Sunny Hill to have some lunch and give Bert a runaround. It was aptly named that’s for sure! He loved meeting his Grandad and his cousins.
On the way back, I stopped at Thetford Forest so Bert could have a leg stretch. I must admit I needed one too after a lot of driving. It’s been a long, lovely day…
Bert came with me to judge a local show jumping show. He clearly felt he should have the top job rather than sleeping under the desk. He jumped onto my chair and was very interested in the course walk.
It’s always inspiring watching people’s rounds. So much love for their horses and ponies. Whatever happens, it’s clear to see. And to see improvements through the rounds. Makes me want to get Buddy back to competing again.
I have to say that Bert was such a good boy. He has zoomies round the arena before the show. Then he settled under the desk or behind me – eating a body part or sleeping. He was so quiet at times, I almost forgot he was there.
He did manage to chew his lead when I left him to present the rosettes. But he soon got the idea that I was coming back.
It’s been an odd day. First Mother’s Day without Mum. It’s always been a weird day for me. So glad I was able to do something that I love, I’m very good at and occupies my brain.
All seems right in the world when I’m behind these ears. That’s for sure. It also helps to have great company, interesting conversations and sunshine!!
It’s been a bit of an odd week all told. Not my best. But far from my worst. I saw a display of Mother’s Day cards in the shop. It suddenly hit me that I will never have to buy another Mother’s Day card. Such an odd feeling…
Grief really is a strange process. So unpacking things slowly and kindly. The sunshine definitely helps…
I was a bit scratchy today. It’s Tax Return time. Enough said huh?!
Honestly, I’m nearly 55. I should be able to do my return without a borderline panic attack. The joys of 30 years of PAYE and someone doing it for me. I think it’s the way the questions are written. I haven’t got a clue what they’re asking most of the time.
Anyway I did as much as I could (yes I phoned a friend who’s helping tomorrow) and headed to the yard for some much needed Buddy time. Bert has had to take centre stage so Buddy and the kittens have been supporting players recently. It felt good to get out on Buddy.
On my way back, I stopped at the garage to get my headlight sorted. I let them know that Bert was in the car. He had 5 people wanting to meet him and have cuddles. See, centre stage.
They all commented on how handsome he is and how calm. He wasn’t so calm this evening as he was tearing round my office and chewing my blanket. The former makes me laugh, the later made me cry.
It’s not damaged but it is the blanket I was given by my Nanna. It belonged to my Grampy. The man Bert is named after. I know it’s just a blanket, but the connection to my Mum kinda hit me. Lots of tears from me. I guess it’s going to happen. Grief is a very tricky path to navigate sometimes. But like HMRC!
This week I’ve been hit by more waves of emotions. The tears have definitely been flowing. So I did something I rarely do. I took time for me. I rearranged plans, I stepped back from commitments and allowed myself time to cry, process and heal.
I’m along way from done, I know that. There’s a lot to grieve for right now. But I’m proud of myself for making myself a priority. Little Bert has massively helped there. He’s made me slow things down.
I was meant to peopling today. My lovely Chiro understood when I explained I wasn’t in the best place. So instead, I took my No. 1 boy, aka Mr Fluffy Ears, out for a lovely ride with a good friend.
We talked. We laughed (mostly at our horses antics). But most of all we were appreciative of the joy horses bring us and how being in the great outdoors lifts one’s spirits.
I have no doubt there will be many more tears to come. Grief is very messy…
Say hello to my mid-life crisis! I had to drive through Storm Bert to pick up the newest man in my life, Bert. If I ever needed a sign it was meant to be…!
I’d already picked his name before I found out about the storm. He’s Bert after my Grandfather Albert. A homage to my Mum’s side of the family. And he was my closest connection to horses.
It’s been a long time since I had a dog. But I’ve always wanted another one. The time has never felt right. My life is too chaotic. Too full on. But losing my Mum and others has made me realise just how short life can be. So when the opportunity to have this little cutie came up, I said yes!
We’ve had first contact the kittens. They’re a bit confused by the noises. Dodo was very brave and came to say hello. Hugo, not so much. I’m sure they will all love each other in time.
I’ve felt wrung out today. All of the emotions from yesterday (and the past few weeks) have taken their toll. My Dad was feeling the same. So we watched one of my Mum’s favourite Disney film, Robin Hood.
I’ve seen it so many times, I practically know all the words. When Prince John gets called ‘PJ’, it always makes me smile. I’m a PJ too. So it was a running family joke when I was a kid.
The subject matter is a bit topical too. The nation being taxed to the brink isn’t new it seems. Very sad that we have seemingly learnt so little from history. Back then it was fund wars and conquests. Now, I’m honestly not sure what it’s to fund?!
I wonder how much I’ve paid in taxes so far in my life. A lot more than I’ve spent I’m sure. At least in Robin Hood’s time, the taxes were more obvious. Now they’re so widespread, it’s hard to even tell what you’re paying out.
I know I’m in a heightened emotional state, so forgive me if I’m off here, but the world seems very weird right now. What is it they say about the two things in life you can count on – death and taxes.
Today I said goodbye to my Mum. It was a beautiful service. Very emotional at times. Thank goodness we all took tissues!
It was lovely that so many people came too. We had a ‘very good spread’ after as well. Such a British thing to compliment a buffet. I’m sure she would have approved.
Thank you to everyone who messaged me this morning to say they were thinking of us today.
So today I had the mother of all tantrums. Guessing I’ve hit the ‘angry’ stage of grief then. To be fair, stuff has been building for a while. I rarely lose my temper. It tends to be apocalyptic when I do. So I work really hard on keeping things level.
What caused this outburst? Hanging a picture on the wall of course. It was a birthday present from a wonderful friend. Hanging it has been on my list for some time.
Now I love my house, but the walls are made of concrete so normal picture hooks don’t work. So I had to buy special ones. Which I did months ago, then promptly lost them in the pile of ‘filing’ that sits on my kitchen counter. Said pile annoyed me today so while I was waiting for not one, but two laptops to do updates, I cleared the pile.
Finding the special picture hooks, I thought I’d hang the picture. After several bashes to the thumb, bent pins and a chunk out of my wall, I lost my shit and threw the hammer down. So now I have a dent in my carpet and my concrete floor!! I was incredibly lucky as the hammer rebounded and hit to doorframe of a plate glass door! That could have been very messy.
More tears, expletives and stamping of feet – months of frustration, angst and annoyance came tumbling out. When I calmed down, I remembered I’d bought some of those sticky Velcro things for hanging pictures. The picture looks great and makes me smile.
My behaviour today also makes me laugh. I’m 54 and can still have a tantrum like the best toddler. Is it something we fully outgrow?!
The sky was on fire when I got back from the yard. It was so radiant that it gave the whole garden a pinky hue. It was very pretty indeed! As are the flowers that have blossomed. Again. I have things in bloom that should be out in Spring!!
I woke up feeling quite disconnected today. So I pottered before taking Buddy out for a lovely long ride out. Best way to ground myself. The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster. It will take time to come to terms with it all.
If the saying is anything to go by, tomorrow will be a nice date. But never mind shepherd’s delight. A red sky at night was Pip’s delight too.
Tales, Tails and Talus 