5 years

Today marks 5 years since we entered lockdown. And our lives changed forever. In so many ways, it’s hard to believe it actually happened. It’s like a hazy nightmare or dream. One where you’re not sure if it did or didn’t happen.

I’m still angry, sad, bewildered, grateful and a thousand other emotions. I know others are too. A collective sense of grief for what was, what might have been and what we lost.

Have we’ve truly acknowledged the impacts of Covid? Do we actually know? I joked at the time that it was like we were in a social experiment. Given the current state of the world, I’m starting to wonder if it was.

I read a post today that really made me think. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have wanted to be making the decisions. Looking back, I’m not sure what it actually achieved. We seem to be in a worse state now than before.

I guess time will tell. History is usually written by the victors. Wonder how it will be reflected in all the chaos, scaremongering and lies…

More waves

This week I’ve been hit by more waves of emotions. The tears have definitely been flowing. So I did something I rarely do. I took time for me. I rearranged plans, I stepped back from commitments and allowed myself time to cry, process and heal.

I’m along way from done, I know that. There’s a lot to grieve for right now. But I’m proud of myself for making myself a priority. Little Bert has massively helped there. He’s made me slow things down.

I was meant to peopling today. My lovely Chiro understood when I explained I wasn’t in the best place. So instead, I took my No. 1 boy, aka Mr Fluffy Ears, out for a lovely ride with a good friend.

We talked. We laughed (mostly at our horses antics). But most of all we were appreciative of the joy horses bring us and how being in the great outdoors lifts one’s spirits.

I have no doubt there will be many more tears to come. Grief is very messy…

Tsunami

I’ve often referred to grief as being like the ocean – it comes in waves.

After taking Buddy out this morning, I felt like things were right in my world again. Then this afternoon I was hit by a tsunami of emotions. Not sure what triggered it. But they took my breath away and made me cry at my desk. So I let the tears flow.

I guess it was going to happen. There are so many emotions to process when you lose someone. Dying is a process. Grief is one too. How you grieve is very personal. No right or wrong way, just what works for you…

Buffalo

Today has been one of my more challenging ones. Last night, I received the phone call I’d been anticipating and dreading in equal measure. The one telling me that my Mum had passed away.

After a few more phone calls and a very broken night, this morning I drove down to visit my Dad to tell him the news. He is currently in hospital recovering from an infection. And I wanted to tell him face to face.

As I drove down, I was reminded of this fact. So I embraced my inner buffalo and charged towards this particular storm. This is going to be a new era for us all. One without my Mum.

This blog will continue. There will be lots of tears I’m sure. For now, I am shattered, drained and feel like my head might explode with all of the emotions. Early night for me…

Reality

Think the reality of Buddy’s injury is starting to sink in. Six months feels like a long time. And it could be longer depending on how his rehab goes.

No camps, no lessons, no clinics, no competitions, no trips, no adventures. Well not for a while yet. These are the things that light me up and make us, well us.

Once again the goals that I set at the beginning of the year seem very far away again.

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m also very grateful that he will be OK. The relief is still very much there.

I know I’m not the only person who’s going through this or has been through it. But it’s the first time I’ve been through this with him. I didn’t have this much time off when I broke my ankle.
Covid did put pay to so many things so 2020 wasn’t a great year for us. It really is true that it’s quicker to heal a bone than a ligament.

I can reframe it till the cows come home. Right now I’m sad, frustrated and disappointed. Again. So taking time to work through those emotions. I’m sure there will be many more ups and downs to come.

Looks like I am going to have to up the cheerleader role again and help others shine. Starting tomorrow by commentating at Poplar Park at the RC ODE.

As you can see Buddy is clearly traumatised by the whole experience. My oversized Labrador is enjoying the snacks.

Trust

This resonated with me today. I’ve definitely done this over the past decade.

I’ve had a rather productive day. I allowed myself time to reflect and feel the emotions around today. Then I cracked on with my day.

Trust is an interesting concept. One I’ve struggled with over the years. But I’m learning to trust myself, my abilities and my journey.