Hickstead the return

I’m home after a very long, very emotional and very wonderful weekend at Hickstead. My god, I bloody love RI.

I am so proud of each and every one of the 11 other Carleton riders today. If I thought being team manager last year was an emotional rollercoaster, adding riding in too and it was one hell of a ride!

With hindsight, my focus had been on getting us and everyone there, rather than my preparation with Buddy. He was in one of his more feral moods. Still we started well and ended well, shame it unravelled a bit in the middle.

He got his legs in a muddle at Fence 3 and had it down. After a rather awkward jump at Fence 4, the arena came rushing towards me at an alarming rate. Thankfully I managed to stay in the plate. Just. But it killed our canter and we had a stop at Fence 5. He cleared it at the second attempt and we headed to Fence 6 – the iconic planks….

Yup, you guessed it. He had it down. He was in good company as so did many other competitors. And Fence 5 saw a number of stops. So I didn’t feel quite so bad about our round.

I realised that it was only his second competition of the year. Talk about throwing him in at the deep end. I know I can ride better. I didn’t eat or have coffee before my round. I didn’t get the best night’s sleep. Driving the new lorry took more out of me than I thought. These are things that I can work on.

Overall we did it. I can now say that I have jumped twice at Hickstead. Maybe third time will be the charm?! For now I have more memories and another two photos to add to the collection.

Sleep deprived

This is what Bert makes of it all. He’s crashed out. Not surprised he’s tired after needing to go out 3 times last night. We all are! I’m not sure he’s been getting enough sleep. I’m finding it hard to get him to settle at times. He seems to settle best when he’s with me. He needs so much sleep at the moment. So doing my best to give him what he needs.

I know that the broken night’s won’t last. We’ve had some better nights. But last night wasn’t our best. I’ve realised that I’m not at my best when I don’t sleep well either. Lots of tears today. I’m overtired and very emotional too. I know I’m starting to allow myself to grieve for my Mum.

I absolutely adore Bert. I can’t imagine him life without him now. He makes me laugh so much. He’s so loving and cuddly. A puppy is really hard work. Especially when it’s just me. I feel like I need eyes everywhere right now. But I’m determined to give him the best start. If that means a bit more sleep deprivation, so be it.

I can sleep when I’m dead…

Robin Hood

I’ve felt wrung out today. All of the emotions from yesterday (and the past few weeks) have taken their toll. My Dad was feeling the same. So we watched one of my Mum’s favourite Disney film, Robin Hood.

I’ve seen it so many times, I practically know all the words. When Prince John gets called ‘PJ’, it always makes me smile. I’m a PJ too. So it was a running family joke when I was a kid.

The subject matter is a bit topical too. The nation being taxed to the brink isn’t new it seems. Very sad that we have seemingly learnt so little from history. Back then it was fund wars and conquests. Now, I’m honestly not sure what it’s to fund?!

I wonder how much I’ve paid in taxes so far in my life. A lot more than I’ve spent I’m sure. At least in Robin Hood’s time, the taxes were more obvious. Now they’re so widespread, it’s hard to even tell what you’re paying out.

I know I’m in a heightened emotional state, so forgive me if I’m off here, but the world seems very weird right now. What is it they say about the two things in life you can count on – death and taxes.

Thank goodness for Disney and a bit of escapism.

Zigzag

Well that’s another camp done and dusted. It’s been great being away – even if I was a tad envious of everyone. I think I’m more shattered being a camp helper than I’ve ever been as a camp rider!! I have a new found respect for the instructors.

I clocked up an average of 5 miles each day. And I barely left the arena! As soon as one group finished, the next were in and ready to get going. It was a marathon each day. Never picked up so many poos. Or moved so many poles and jumps. I certainly got a workout.

It was very emotional at times watching the riders’ improvements over the lessons. Seeing riders overcome their personal demons and achieve things they didn’t think they could.

And it wasn’t just the riders. The horses grew in confidence. So wonderful to see them smiling as much as the riders.

As much as I want to get back there with Buddy. I know I can’t rush his rehab. We will be back, better than before I have no doubt about that.

It was great catching up with everyone. Some I’ve known a long time. Others I’ve just met. All bonded by the shared experience and memories made. Till next time…

Stable platform

No words needed. Just a very tired and overly emotional girl and her favourite little boy.

Given I woke up feeling rather drained, I actually had a rather productive day. Lots of errands run.

Finished it off with a trip to WHW for an evening with 5* Eventer (and Norfolk girl), Alice Casburn. Considering she’s just 22 year old, she’s incredibly grounded. Amazing what she’s achieved already. It was fascinating listening to her. I went to a talk with her last year. That was really interesting. She’s done a lot more since then.

She quipped that eventer Richard Jones had told her that eventing was just a glorified gymkhana. That made me laugh. Must remember that when we get back to eventing.

Impermeable

Merry Christmas me! I was feeling rather smug in my new coat this afternoon. I bought it when we were at the London International Horse Show. In the torrential rain today, I was jolly glad I did!

Not only was I toasty warm, I was dry as a bone. Hurrah! This was the first time I’d really tested it in the rain. It put a smile on my face.

Very different from this morning when I couldn’t stop crying. Everything was tumbling out of my face. It’s been an emotional few months for me. It was bound to catch up with me eventually.

I couldn’t get going either. So I cut myself some slack and sat in the conservatory listening to the rain.

Hopefully the rain (and the tears) will stop soon. If not, at least I’ll be dry.

Knight in Hi-Viz

Back home after another great camp. It was an emotional week for many reason. Camp is such a happy place for me. Time away from it all with good mates and Buddy.

So many more memories to add to the camp collection. And another camper rosette too. We came 4th in the jumping competition. I know I’ve ridden better but we went clear and it was a meaty course.

We won’t mention the utter car crash that was our dressage test. Good to know that even though we’re making progress in so many areas, we still make an absolute horlicks of pretty trotting.

Still there were definitely more pros than cons to my camp experience.

Talking of experiences, the journey back was certainly one.

The fan belt went on the Buddymobile not long after I’d left Swaffham. Managed to limp it to the garage at Necton. Fun times with no power steering!!

My knight in Hi-Viz then drove to Dereham to get a replacemen fan belt and fitted it in the pouring rain. Buddy was as cool as a cucumber on the lorry while we waited. I was definitely not. I was rocking the drowned rat, overly tired and slightly emotional look.

Still we were soon on our way again. Then got stuck on A47 and my diesel went from 1/4 tank to light on. Cue minor freak out!! But as soon as we started moving, it went back up to 1/4 tank. Bizzare.

Stopped at the next petrol station to get more, just in case.

It took us nearly 3 hours to get back. A journey that normally takes just over an hour. I’ll have to sort the lorry out on Sunday. For now, it’s bed for me ready for my 5:15am alarm call tomorrow as I’m working in London for the day. No rest for me!!

Crumpled

Today hasn’t been my best day. I’m over-tired, over-emotional and quite frankly all over the place. Things from my past that I thought were resolved have reared their heads and slapped me round the face. So I’m taking the time I need to look at them again.

It’s OK. It happens. I’m OK. Well not completely, but I will be. I’m tired from spinning so many plates. I’m not complaining. It’s a good place to be. But it takes a toll sometimes. There’s a lot of responsibility on my little shoulders.

I feel rather crumpled at the moment. Life has been quite serious lately. I want to get the joy back. It’s hard when I feel like I’m being pulled in lots of directions.

So doing my best and trusting the process. Again.