In 5 weeks time I will be unemployed. That fact has just hit me. It’ll be a week after I get my cast off (fingers crossed). I’m feeling low and a bit teary. I know it’s just my body processing stuff. Doesn’t make it any easier though.

I love my job and I love the company I work for. I was devastated when I found out they were closing the building I work in and we were being let go. In fact it was the prequel to this journey. My house of cards collapsed and I was signed off with depression. I’ve actually been signed off since the end September. I’m on anti-depressants to help me for the first time in over a decade.

It wasn’t just the job. That was the final straw. 2019 had been a really tough year for me – personally and professionally. Ironically in all the stress and chaos of my life, it was by far my best year with Buddy. We ticked off lots of things from our horsey bucket list, including placing at ODEs, the Suffolk show and the Royal Norfolk.

Buddy was my stable platform (pun intended). He kept me healthy, happy and sane. The hardest thing about my injury is the fact I can’t go and see him. I can’t take the risk of infection or further injury. He’s always been my escape. My distraction from whatever’s going on. My partner-in-crime. The keeper of my secrets.

I can’t do that now, so I’m having to face my current situation. I can’t ride. I can’t unbreak my ankle. I can’t keep my job. So I’m accepting these facts and putting my energy into making things OK for me.

This is the 3rd time I’ve been made redundant. Both times previously were good things for me. Last time my marriage ended around the same time. And I survived that – and selling a house, buying a house, getting a job to keep the house… Nothing major!!

I know this time I’ll be OK too. It’s just hard when you can’t see what OK looks like.

So I’m sorting out my CV. Sorting out my LinkedIn profile. And looking at jobs. And trusting there’s an answer out there.

While I’m out of action I wanted to make sure that Buddy was ticking over. Thank you Lewis from Neric Equestrian for hacking him out for me yesterday and Tom from T&N Equestrian for schooling him today.

So it’s been two weeks since my accident and I’ve now come out of the GA fog. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster for sure. Going from ‘phew I’ve got away with it’ to ‘it’s a nasty break and will need surgery’ was a big shock for me. And the emotions of knowing I wasn’t going to be able to ride for up to 3 months was hard to take. The effects of the surgery really knocked me for six.

Time does help. Two weeks on and I’m feeling stronger and more balanced (on my good leg of course). But it’s still tough going. I’m having to adapt to my limitations. Living on my own, I wasn’t sure whether I’d be able to cope. Or how I could get around, feed myself and general exist?! ‘Pip’s Angels’ have kept me going. They’ve fetched and carried. They’ve made me smile. They’ve made me realise that no person is an island. Everyone needs help from time to time. So I’m gratefully accepting it. And learning to ask for it. That’s been a big thing for me.

I’m still overwhelmed by how many people have get it touch to make sure I’m OK. And been so generous with their time. I’ve got a long way to go on this journey, but it really helps to know I’m not on my own.

There really are people who will catch you – literally in my case!!

As I have a little time in my hands, I put together a little video of the journey that Buddy and I have been on. We’ve come an awfully long way in our three years together. We’ve achieved a lot more than I thought we would. We’re every much a masterpiece and work in progress. Excited to see what we can achieve in the next three years. Once I’m off box rest, we’ll be picking up where we left off. Enjoy!

So it appears that my weird connection with the Olympics continues. When I had my first breakdown in 2008, or Pip blip as it’s now known, the Beijing Olympics were on. I became Team GB’s head cheerleader from my sofa. I cheered myself hoarse. I cried when they won. I cried when they lost. Basically there was lots of crying and shouting. You get the picture. But it distracted me from the insane thoughts in my head and gave me a reason to get up.

Roll round to London 2012 and I led the internal comms campaign within Aviva. We had events to celebrate it. I got to hold one of the torches. We had bunting (and who doesn’t love bunting) in every office – including the Belfast Office. Again I felt like Team GB’s head cheerleader as I encouraged everyone to be a part of it. Thankfully there was a lot more cheering and only a few tears.

Then there was Rio. This time I broke my little finger coming off Phoenix. So it was a little bit of a repeat of Beijing. Except more physical pain rather than emotional. I also became weirdly addicted to archery. Who knew it could be so exciting?!

And now. Well I’ve just turned on the TV to find that the Winter Youth Olympic Games are on. So I’m watching curling. Again weirdly addictive.

This summer sees Japan 2020, so fingers, toes (and eyes) crossed I can enjoy it without incident.

As I’m confined to barracks for the foreseeable future, I’m having to find different ways of shopping for the stuff I need. Thank god for the wonderful world of online shopping!

One thing I needed to sort out was food for the boys. We’ve been experiencing what can only be described as ‘chemical warfare’ recently, so thought I’d change their food.

Went onto the Pets @ Home website to get some delivered and found something really cool. They do repeat ordering for food and other stuff. You set up a repeat order for the food and can set the delivery schedule you want. How cool is that?!

So now I’m never going to run out of cat food again. My boys will thank me for that! 😻

https://click.linksynergy.com/fs-bin/click?id=78B0X6wkh8M&offerid=432834.110&type=3&subid=0

I’m realising that this journey is going to be about little victories, improvements and milestones. Today’s are that I slept for nearly 13 hours, had a shower without wobbling about and only needed a 10 min rest before I could make my breakfast. 😊

I now have a chair in the shower. It felt a bit odd to start off with, but it definitely helped. I felt so refreshed after the shower (and the sleep).

It’s not sexy I know – it’s functional, practical and reduces the risk of me ending up going ‘base over apex’. 😂

It’s amazing what a good nights sleep can do for your state of mind! Woke up feeling more refreshed today. I’m still exhausted but that’s cause all my energy is going into healing my talus.

I’ve started to accept that I can’t do the things I want to and focus on the little things I can. I can get myself up, I can feed myself and I can take myself to the toilet. That’s more than some people can. I’m just not used to feeling so exhausted from doing so little.

I had a shower yesterday morning, which felt so good. I then had to wait 30 mins till I had enough energy to make my breakfast. I remember this feeling from when I broke my little finger and thumb. Healing bones takes a LOT of energy. And this is a much bigger bone and a more serious break.

I’ve always prided myself on being self-reliant, independent and self-sufficient. There’s not much I can’t sort out. This injury has made me have to ask for help, accept others doing things for me and I’m very grateful they are. It’s hard though. ‘Pip’s Angel’s’ have been in full force since my accident. From cleaning my house, feeding me, shopping for me and even doing my laundry. These are just a few of the things I can’t do right now. I’m learning that it’s OK to ask for help. It’s OK to let others share the load. It’s OK not to be OK.

Vitamin C is very important for healing. I’m such a child sometimes…

Better night last night. I’ve now found 3 comfortable sleeping positions – hurrah! The ‘right side with my bad foot out the duvet’, the ‘on my back with my bad foot out the bottom of the duvet’ and the ‘left side bad leg bent‘. Hoping for an even better night as I’ve requested some sleeping tablets from one of ‘Pip’s Angel’s’ as my wonderful friends shall now be known. One of them popped in for a chat yesterday and told me that I need to be like Harry Potter for the next week and grow my bones back. Found this on Amazon – think I might need to get it to replace the one I shrunk. 😂

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07P83ZDGZ/ref=as_li_qf_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=langlep-21&creative=6738&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=B07P83ZDGZ&linkId=beaf5c41c9a0ced77e4c84a89cd6a386