Abode

I’m back home after a very long and emotional week. Driving back gave me time to reflect on things. My Mum has been very poorly for over 5 years. It’s been a lot. I guess I’ve had plenty of time to think about her passing. Rehearse it in many ways. Don’t get me wrong, there’s much sadness. There are also a lifetime of memories to look back at too.

I listened to a podcast on the way back that compared life to a roadtrip. The irony of me listening to it on the M25 wasn’t lost believe me. When you drive, you spend more time looking at the road ahead than you do looking in your rear view mirror. I guess that’s why the windscreen is bigger than the rear window.

It was an interesting analogy. And got me thinking about where I’m heading. Not literally of course. My first stop was to see Buddy, well after getting home and seeing the kittens. The kittens were very pleased to see me. Buddy was more interested in his hay. He did give me a couple of smooches. I’ll take that. And an evening of kitten cuddles on the sofa.

I know I will need to head back to my Dad’s again soon. But for now, I’m happy to be home.

Prancy one

This photo came up on my memories today. 10 years ago, Murphy and I were out dancing. We got a 9 for our final halt. The one and only time I’ve got a 9 in a dressage test. For basically standing still!! Kinda sums up my relationship with dressage.

I’d love to say that I’ve improved since then. Buddy is very different to Murphy. Let’s just go with I’ve tried really hard to improve since then. When he’s not spooking at the markers and I’m not riding like a muppet.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about my horsey goals this year. With Buddy being off games for a big chunk of it, it’s given me time to reflect on stuff. I know my biggest issue with dressage is that I don’t feel I’m good enough. So I’ve been looking at why. Not got to the bottom of it. Yet.

As equestrians, we literally pay someone to judge us! In my book, that takes guts and confidence. Maybe it’s time to stop thinking and just start dancing…

Fridge magnets

My Mum like to collect things. She had lots of teaspoons at one point. She used to collect hotel soaps and had lots from all over the world. My parents extensively travelled so she had plenty of opportunity to pick them up. There’s still a jar I the cloakroom.

She also was very partial to a fridge magnet. Again, she picked them up all over the world. Their old freezer was covered in the them. When my Dad got replaced it, I bagged up the magnets for safe keeping but they didn’t get put back up.

Today my Dad and I were going through her stuff from the Nursing Home and found this. So I put it on the fridge for her.

It’s very apt too. I have had so many messages from friends checking in on me. It means so much. I’m doing OK. After yesterday’s tears, today I felt calmer. We had a really good meeting with the funeral directors. I’m better when I have a plan or milestones to work towards. I’m navigating this as best I can right now.

Wakehurst

I needed to get outdoors today, so I headed over to Wakehurst Place this afternoon. Being outdoors and in nature are good healers for me. With all the emotions and stress of the past few days, I’d usually go for a long ride on Buddy. That’s not an option at the moment. So this was the next best thing.

Wakehurst Place is part of Kew Gardens and the National Trust. My Mum was a lifetime National Trust member, so I borrowed her card. We used to go there together. But I haven’t been for many years.

I walked round the gardens. Then found a bench to sit and reflect. The bench was dedicated with a line from a Wordsworth poem ‘To stay the wanderer’s steps and soothe his thoughts.’ Seemed rather fitting.

I had a chat with a magpie as you do. Before walking up to the highest point. As I sat looking out across the treetops, I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. Luckily there was no-one around.

On my way out, I noticed a plant I recognised. It was a Veronica. My Mum’s favourite. Can’t imagine why?! Guess I’ll be getting one for the garden.

Cans

While my Dad was having a nap, I cracked on with some work. As he was still asleep when I finished, I thought I’d catch up with some online training. I didn’t want to wake him, so borrowed my Mum’s headphones. Or cans as we’ve always called them.

Not sure it my best look. Made me giggle. So did the fact I’d matched the wall in my parents dining room.

Watched

It’s been rather weird being in my parents house today. I’ve spent many days here on my own. After all, we moved here when I was 4 years old. Today it felt different. Understandably.

But I was being watched. Literally. This photo of my Mum sits on top of the display cabinet. It was a professional photo she’d had taken when she was 21 and had just had her VERY long hair cut short. It’s always been favourite photo for me. Today it brought me comfort.

As did the photos around the house. She looked so vibrant and full of life. The past 5 years have been very tough. Many of you have been on the ‘Parental Rollercoaster’ with me over that time. They’ve both had more than their fair share of medical issues. I’ve seen the inside of far too many hospital wards. I used to joke with my Mum that she didn’t get a prize for ticking them all off! Or frequent NHS flyer point. She definitely wracked up a few! They both have.

Hopefully, I’ve seen the last ward for a while as my Dad was discharged and is now back home…

Buffalo

Today has been one of my more challenging ones. Last night, I received the phone call I’d been anticipating and dreading in equal measure. The one telling me that my Mum had passed away.

After a few more phone calls and a very broken night, this morning I drove down to visit my Dad to tell him the news. He is currently in hospital recovering from an infection. And I wanted to tell him face to face.

As I drove down, I was reminded of this fact. So I embraced my inner buffalo and charged towards this particular storm. This is going to be a new era for us all. One without my Mum.

This blog will continue. There will be lots of tears I’m sure. For now, I am shattered, drained and feel like my head might explode with all of the emotions. Early night for me…

Catwalk

Decided to take Buddy in the school for some pole dancing. Just as the heavens opened. So Buddy was less than impressed. I wasn’t thrilled either.

We had to share the arena with a rather fetching cat. He/she was sashaying about the place. In fact, Buddy was so busy spooking at said cat, he totally forgot about the poles and nearly ended up on his face.

As you can imagine, the cat was totally nonplussed about Buddy.

Many hands

This phrase always makes me think of my Nanna. She was a firm believer in rolling up your sleeves and getting it done. This evening, I did just that as I made a visit to Gingerbreadland. I haven’t been there for a while. And my god, the smell is still heady!

They’d got a big order so I offered to lend a hand. Well two in fact. 4.5 hours later…

I got to help with the Buddy biscuits. Fear not people, I was packing only! They’re not that trusting of my culinary skills. Even I can mess up packing.

Still makes me smile knowing the visitors at Redwings can buy gingerbread biscuit based on Buddy’s head. So cool.

Stable relationship

So it’s World Mental Health Day. Well this is the single biggest thing that keeps my mental health stable. You could call it my ‘stable relationship’.

I’ve been very open about my mental health struggles over the years. I’ve been a frequent visitor to dark places. Horses have always helped me to find a way back to the light.

I’ve cried so hard I’ve feared I’d never stop. I’ve laughed so hard I’ve never wanted it to stop. I’ve had times when I felt like I could conquer the world. Then I’ve been scared to leave my house.

I’ve felt such pain and such joy I couldn’t breathe. I’ve felt nothing and everything. I’ve loved. I’ve lost. But I’m still here. Getting up over and over again. Trying to give more than I taken. Finding joy in the little things. Smiling, laughing and loving.

Mental Health isn’t obvious. It isn’t straightforward. It is something we all have. We shouldn’t need a day to tell us to think about it. It should be part of our daily life.

So let’s all try to look after ours. Do what makes you feel good. Be with people who make you feel good. But most importantly be kind – to yourself and others.

And if you’re struggling right now (as many seem to be), know that you are safe, you are loved and you are very much appreciated.