Author: langlep

So 2020 was going to be my year. The year I got my life sorted after being served redundancy notice from my job in November 2019. The year I ticked off more things from my horsey bucket list. The year I got my mental health back under control and reduced stress in my life. I had a plan. And it was a good one. Then the plan changed dramatically on 2 January. I came off my horse at speed and broke my ankle. Badly. Like all good equestrians, I got back on and rode back to the yard, sorted Buddy out and then drove myself to A&E. That’s where this journey really began... I was sent home from A&E and told to crack on, only to receive a phone call later to say they’d missed a fracture (and a rather serious one at that). Whoops! So fracture clinic on 3 January, surgery on 5 January and home to recover. I started this blog as a way to chart my recover back to the saddle. As I cleared clinics and competitions out of my diary and wondered what the next few months would bring, it's been a safe space for me to say how I'm feeling. The new plan was to get a new job, to keep Buddy is kept ticking over and recover from my injury. Another good plan! I didn't expect a global pandemic, lockdown and all that happened in 2020. This blog has changed over time but it's continued to be my safe space to share the things going on in my life, with Buddy and the cats. Enjoy!

Watched

It’s been rather weird being in my parents house today. I’ve spent many days here on my own. After all, we moved here when I was 4 years old. Today it felt different. Understandably.

But I was being watched. Literally. This photo of my Mum sits on top of the display cabinet. It was a professional photo she’d had taken when she was 21 and had just had her VERY long hair cut short. It’s always been favourite photo for me. Today it brought me comfort.

As did the photos around the house. She looked so vibrant and full of life. The past 5 years have been very tough. Many of you have been on the ‘Parental Rollercoaster’ with me over that time. They’ve both had more than their fair share of medical issues. I’ve seen the inside of far too many hospital wards. I used to joke with my Mum that she didn’t get a prize for ticking them all off! Or frequent NHS flyer point. She definitely wracked up a few! They both have.

Hopefully, I’ve seen the last ward for a while as my Dad was discharged and is now back home…

Buffalo

Today has been one of my more challenging ones. Last night, I received the phone call I’d been anticipating and dreading in equal measure. The one telling me that my Mum had passed away.

After a few more phone calls and a very broken night, this morning I drove down to visit my Dad to tell him the news. He is currently in hospital recovering from an infection. And I wanted to tell him face to face.

As I drove down, I was reminded of this fact. So I embraced my inner buffalo and charged towards this particular storm. This is going to be a new era for us all. One without my Mum.

This blog will continue. There will be lots of tears I’m sure. For now, I am shattered, drained and feel like my head might explode with all of the emotions. Early night for me…

Catwalk

Decided to take Buddy in the school for some pole dancing. Just as the heavens opened. So Buddy was less than impressed. I wasn’t thrilled either.

We had to share the arena with a rather fetching cat. He/she was sashaying about the place. In fact, Buddy was so busy spooking at said cat, he totally forgot about the poles and nearly ended up on his face.

As you can imagine, the cat was totally nonplussed about Buddy.

Many hands

This phrase always makes me think of my Nanna. She was a firm believer in rolling up your sleeves and getting it done. This evening, I did just that as I made a visit to Gingerbreadland. I haven’t been there for a while. And my god, the smell is still heady!

They’d got a big order so I offered to lend a hand. Well two in fact. 4.5 hours later…

I got to help with the Buddy biscuits. Fear not people, I was packing only! They’re not that trusting of my culinary skills. Even I can mess up packing.

Still makes me smile knowing the visitors at Redwings can buy gingerbread biscuit based on Buddy’s head. So cool.

Stable relationship

So it’s World Mental Health Day. Well this is the single biggest thing that keeps my mental health stable. You could call it my ‘stable relationship’.

I’ve been very open about my mental health struggles over the years. I’ve been a frequent visitor to dark places. Horses have always helped me to find a way back to the light.

I’ve cried so hard I’ve feared I’d never stop. I’ve laughed so hard I’ve never wanted it to stop. I’ve had times when I felt like I could conquer the world. Then I’ve been scared to leave my house.

I’ve felt such pain and such joy I couldn’t breathe. I’ve felt nothing and everything. I’ve loved. I’ve lost. But I’m still here. Getting up over and over again. Trying to give more than I taken. Finding joy in the little things. Smiling, laughing and loving.

Mental Health isn’t obvious. It isn’t straightforward. It is something we all have. We shouldn’t need a day to tell us to think about it. It should be part of our daily life.

So let’s all try to look after ours. Do what makes you feel good. Be with people who make you feel good. But most importantly be kind – to yourself and others.

And if you’re struggling right now (as many seem to be), know that you are safe, you are loved and you are very much appreciated.

A right pear

This is Buddy’s ‘pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaassssssssseeeeeee’ face. It always makes me smile. Today it was all about pears. He got one, while I ate the other. Of course, he’d finished his by the time I’d taken my second bite.

Then he wanted mine. Soft touch that I am. He got it. I mean, how could I say no to this little face!?!

That and I knew there were more in the feed room. Good job he didn’t! He does love pears.

Unscripted

Today saw a spontaneous pony party when I got a call this morning. A friend was having a tough time. So I suggested she came over with her horse for a ride & talk. It was such a lovely day, so good for the soul.

We were out for nearly 2 hours wandering round, putting the world to rights. Even saw a beautiful rainbow as we dodged the showers.

We had a slight issue when we got to a bridleway that runs across a field. The field had been freshly ploughed so it was really hard to see where the path actually ran.

I thought I’d worked it out as I’ve used the bridleway many times. All was going well till we hit a rather deep bit and poor Buddy started to sink!

I honestly thought he was going to fall over. Thankfully he saved himself and we made it across. Guess I didn’t quite get the path right. Who knows?! Even when we looked at the bridleway path marker, it was hard to see where it was.

By the end of the ride, we were all smiling. Sometimes, you just need to talk it out. Maybe I should add ‘ride & talk’ to my rider confidence coaching offerings.

11 years

11 years ago I moved into my little house. I can’t quite believe it’s been that long.

I still remember the stress of moving. The endless boxes to pack and unpack (still not unpacked them all). The fear of living on my own after so many years. The excitement of all the plans I had (still haven’t finished them). The chaos of building works. The financial worries. The joys. The highs. The lows. The losses. The new additions.

I love my little house. I’ve made so many memories here. I smile every time I drive round the close and see my home. It was meant to be, that’s for sure. It’s not perfect. It needs some TLC. But it’s perfect for me. And that’s what matters…

Blanky

This is a sure sign that we are heading towards Winter. The kittens have totally ignore this bed for months now. Today was the day Hugo reclaimed it. Can’t say I blame him. I love a blanky. And a fluffy one is even better.

Hugo is one very happy kitten right now.

Stand out from the crowd

I woke up feeling rather crumpled and a bit sad. It was ‘Dragon’ weather (where you can see your breath), a sure sign the seasons are changing.

After catching up on some paperwork, I sat and reflected on a few things. I’d had some feedback from someone I’ve been working with that also made me think.

I realised that I was started to get too much in my own head (overthinker, right here?!). So headed to yard and took Buddy out for a long ride. As we were walking along, I spotted this beautiful part of the hedgerow. Talk about standing out from the crowd!!

They say feedback is a gift. But you don’t always have to accept it. I’m not perfect. I know where I can improve. But this bush shows that we can all be ourselves and it really is the sum of the parts. Or am I overthinking again…?!