After crying myself out yesterday I woke up feeling exhausted. But I had a really good day. I took a step back on a lot of things and focused on one thing at a time.

I’ve been a bit of a butterfly recently – flitting from thing to thing, trying to do everything and usually ending up doing nothing. Today I was more caterpillar than butterfly.

My sweet peas have exploded overnight. They always make me smile.

I think the events of the past few weeks (months) have finally caught up with me. I’m crying again. Honestly I haven’t cried as much as I have this year. It’s like my body has stored all the tears up for now.

This year has been challenging to say the least. It’s been one thing after another. Hit after hit. And it’s not just lots of little things, it’s big life changing things too.

Covid wasn’t in my Top 5 bad things for 2020. It is now. I’ve never been worried about the virus. I’ve always been worried about the consequences of it. My Mum now having it feels like a weird irony.

Thankfully she’s responding well to treatment. But it’s another thing to deal with. She’s been through so much already. She’s been in and out of hospital since 19 July last year.

It’s hard knowing I can’t see her or my Dad because of Covid.

Today I just feel like every aspect of my life is a little off. Every area needs some attention, effort or TLC. But I can’t do that if I feel like I have no energy to give.

So today I stop. Today I focus on me. Today I sit on the sofa, watch Disney films, have kitten cuddles and cry as much as I need. Today I give myself some TLC.

This is a massive positive for me as it wasn’t that long ago that I would have beaten myself up and made myself keep going.

Today I stop. Tomorrow I get going again. It will be better I’m sure.

I am many things. I love this as there are so many facets to my life. Being an equestrian is just one. But it’s a big part of who I am.

Took Buddy over to a new venue today for a jumping lesson. First time he’d been there. We were jumping on grass too. The lesson was brilliant. Really feel like we’re getting back to where we were or even better.

Sadly Buddy’s weaving in the lorry has gotten worse so he arrived dripping in sweat. Not the best start. But he was fine after a quick shower.

Looks like it’s something for me to work on with him. And go back a few steps with him. It would be boring if there wasn’t something to work on, right?!

So it’s been another pretty odd week with ups and downs, twists and turns. Getting this today in the post was just what I needed. Literally! My friend sent him for my birthday but he arrived today. When I needed a hug more than anything else.

I’ve been hugging him within an inch of his life. Is it possible to hug a stuffed toy to death?!

What a beautiful sight this evening. The rose I got for my birthday has bloomed. It’s luminescent! The photo doesn’t really do it justice.

It’s called Inspiration. Well I’m an English Rose and an inspiration to many so I was told. Made me cry at the time.

I was saddened to hear of Dame Vera Lynn’s passing today. 103 is an incredible innings! She was a truly inspirational woman. I was lucky enough to meet her several times as she lived not far from where I grew up. I used to see her in the local garden centre and we had a few chats about plants. She was a really lovely lady.

I’ve felt really flat and drained today. I feel like I’ve been in limbo forever, in fact all of 2020. It’s starting to get a bit warring.

I want to get on with things. I want to work. I want my business to be successful. I’m ready. I want to get going with Buddy. I want to see my friend and family. I want to truly celebrate my birthday. I’m frustrated that things aren’t going as fast as I want them to. A common theme in my life.

I know that it will all come together. I know that limbo never lasts forever. It’s hard when you look at that bar and wonder if you’re ever going to be able to get under it without making a complete idiot of yourself (or at my age pulling something). So I’m raising the bar myself, taking some of the pressure off and trusting that everything is going to be OK.

My Mum is back in hospital again. This hasn’t helped my mood. It’s hard not to worry about her and my Dad when they’re so far away. And even more so in this crazy Covid world we’re living in.

So today I had a self-care day. I did a long meditation, I went for a walk and I took the time to appreciate the beauty that’s all around me. I may be in limbo, but very lucky that it’s a beautiful limbo.

Buddy and I headed over to Marsham this morning to meet up with a good friend and her horse. We had a truly wonderful 2.5hr hack round the heath and woods. Just what the doctor ordered.

I really like this. As you may know, I’ve been through a few challenges recently. But the last few days have made me look back and see how far I’ve come. Sure I wobble. I feel like this year has been like some SAS obstacle course in many ways. I’m learning that I can cope with whatever life throws at me. And now I’m putting my energy into my new business, Buddy and making my life the best it can be.

Oh poor Hugo! He’s just learnt a valuable life lesson. Always check the toilet seat is down before you jump on it. 😳 He’s rather soggy now as he had to have his first bath after the experience…